‘Last Stop Burgers And Bullets’ Now Selling Franchises Around The Southeast

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Founder and CEO of Last Stop Burgers and Bullets, General Jack D. Ripper USAF (Ret), announced yesterday that the combo burger joint and machine gun firing range has sold its first franchise to a venture capital group in Atlanta, Georgia.

General Ripper spoke to journalists by phone from his luxurious bunker located deep below the surface of the Nevada desert

“We are pleased to announce that Bad Idea Enterprises of Buckhead have bought the rights for three new locations with an option for three more,” said General Ripper. “We believe that our precious 2nd Amendment rights should be exercised by citizens of all ages, and our new franchises will be even more ‘kid friendly’ than our original location in White Hills.”

Arnold Schmuckenstein, CEO of Bad Idea, agrees: “We want to encourage children and old folks alike to visit our new facility just outside the entrance to Six Flags Over Georgia,” said Schmuckenstein. “We are adding some new attractions, like a quad .50 caliber machine gun mounted on a pickup truck and a vintage WWII Katyusha rocket launcher!”

General Ripper demonstrated via video link one of Last Stand’s new attractions, a vintage Browning .30 caliber machine gun that has been modified for easy use by children as young a six years old

“We have special programs for children, so kids as young as two years old can play with fully automatic assault weapons loaded with rubber bullets,” Schmuckenstein said. “You really can’t start too early teaching kids about firearms. You never know when ISIS might be marching up Peachtree Street and we need to defend ourselves.”

“You must be this tall to fire the RPG.” General Ripper emphasized that he had made extensive safety overhauls before selling the new franchises

Bad Idea also has gone out of its way to make firearms training available to the disabled.

“We have a community outreach program in which we will be providing free live fire sessions for the blind and those unfortunate individuals with advanced Parkinson’s Disease,” said Schmuckenstein.

“We are also producing 50,000 Cd’s and DVDs featuring recent exchanges of machine gun and rocket fire in the Gaza Strip that will be given free of charge to new moms so they can play them 24/7 in their infant’s nurseries. When my kid Kevin was just a baby I played recordings of creeping artillery barrages to him every night. You would not believe the calming effect it had on him. Now he hopes to pass the five-minute exam and become one of our first instructors.”

Although many have questioned the wisdom of expanding what has proved to be a highly dangerous enterprise, General Ripper told reporters he was not worried at all.

Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre is also considering buying a Last Stand franchise for the D.C. area. “Kids deserve to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights just as much as we adults,” said LaPierre. “I mean honestly, what could go wrong?”

“Every business at one time or another suffers casualties. We had one unfortunate incident in which an instructor had his head blown off by a 9-year-old girl with an Uzi. These kind of industrial accidents happen all the time. It’s not fair to condemn a whole program just because of one little slip-up. I’m not saying there won’t be fatalities, but what I am saying is no more than 10 to 20 million killed, tops!”

The introduction of Last Stand into the Atlanta metro area has not gone unnoticed, however.

Founder and CEO of Waffle House Joe Rodgers spoke to Fox News’ Neal Cavuto yesterday and said, “We at Waffle House are not going to take this competition lying down. We intend to add firing ranges to all our locations around the country, so our drunken customers will have a safe area to blow off steam in the wee hours of the morning. We’ve had the corner on the unhealthy food/senseless gunshot wound market for years now and we won’t give it up without a fight!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

President Obama Clarifies Administration’s ISIS Policy: “We Are Fucking Clueless”

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a White House press conference yesterday President Obama outlined U.S. policy regarding the group of savage religious zealots known to the world as ISIS. The position has been described by pundits as a policy “hovering somewhere between vague and nebulous.”

Although the Administration has ordered around 100 airstrikes on ISIS targets around Iraq, it waited until it was almost damn well too late to do so, and it has stopped short of bombing targets located within the borders of Syria, thus giving the Stone Age terrorist cretins a safe haven from which to operate.

“We don’t want to get all crazy and upset the delicate balance of power within Syria,” said Obama. “If we did that, something bad might happen. We’ll eventually get around to some kind of plan, but we just don’t have a strategy yet.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest told reporters that the feeling around the Oval Office was that the Administration should not get bogged-down in another war in the Middle East.

“The consensus is that we need to avoid this clusterfuck at all costs, and leave it for Hillary to clean up,” said Ernest. “She can handle it in 2017 after she takes office. Hell, she’s better suited for this kind of thing anyway. Have you ever seen that bitch when she gets pissed off? She’ll wipe the floor with those ISIS Neanderthals.”

When asked by a journalist why the White House was not concerned with Fox News and talk radio dullards making political hay from the Administration’s flaccid policy, Ernest replied “We’ve never been concerned with getting the white homophobic bigot vote anyway. It’s just not our demographic.”

GOP Candidate Warns Of ‘Homosexual Reign Of Terror’

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) –  Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Republican nominee for the Colorado state house, sent out an e-mail alert over the weekend that stated that Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) wanted to execute Christians, reported Right Wing Watch.

The photogenic Klingenschmidt was featured on the cover of the children’s book “How To Recognize Pedophiles From A Distance”

The alert warned Coloradans and all U.S. citizens that Polis and his pals in the “international homosexual cabal” represented a “clear and present danger” to our representative republic and to Christians all over the globe.

“The openly homosexual Congressman Jared Polis (D-CO) introduced a revised bill to force Christian employers and business owners to hire and promote homosexuals with ZERO RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS for Christians who want to opt out.”

Klingenshmitt is the eldest son of Joseph and Magda Klingenschmitt of Munich, as seen here in this colorized photo from their wedding album

“Polis ‘wants sexual orientation and gender identity treated the same way as race, religion, sex, and national origin, when it comes to employment protections,’ claims the Advocate, under the headline ‘Polis trims ENDA’s religious exemption.’”

“The open persecution of Christians is underway. Democrats like Polis want to bankrupt Christians who refuse to worship and endorse his sodomy. Next he’ll join ISIS in beheading Christians, but not just in Syria, right here in America,” the email said.

Because he was unwilling to face journalists and actually answer embarrassing questions about the email, Klingenschmitt released a five-hour video that explained his theory concerning the worldwide gay conspiracy to execute anyone who does not approve of sodomy.

The video went into great detail about how a shadowy group of male stylists, interior designers, and producers of Broadway musicals got together after the faked lunar landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s and laid out a long-range strategy for world domination.

In his spare time Klingenschmitt entertains children at birthday parties held in the crawlspace under his home

In the video Klingenschmitt explains that now that it is legal for openly gay individuals to hold office, phase one of the heinous conspiracy is complete.

“Phase two of the their nefarious plan calls for a ‘Reign of Terror’ on Christians that would make Robespierre’s efforts look like child’s play,” said Klingenschmitt. “It is only a matter of time before we see the faithful’s heads on pikes up and down main street America!”

The video did not explain how a nation in which 77% of the population considers itself Christian will be overwhelmed and terrorized by the less than 2% of the population that is openly gay, but Klingenschmitt said it would be similar to the atheists’ successful obliteration of the once popular Christmas holiday we all remember.

Republican and Democratic leaders in Colorado, along with anyone else who has an IQ over 55 denounced Klingenschmitt’s email and his video, which was distributed less than a week after Islamic State jihadists released a film that showed the beheading of kidnapped U.S. journalist James Foley.

 

WARNING! No Reason Or Logic Guard On Duty! Swim At Your Own Risk!

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

• Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  
• Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
• Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
• Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
• Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
• Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)

God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”

 

BREAKING NEWS: Rogue Scorpion Attempts To Undermine Fragile Truce With Powerful Car Bomb

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A rogue scorpion believed to be a member of the splinter group “Pincer Power” has detonated a car bomb just outside the city limits of Ducktown (A Quacking Good Place) Tennessee this afternoon in what officials are claiming is an effort to undermine the fragile truce between opposing factions at the Cabin Anthrax.

“As far as I know this is the first terrorist attack anywhere even close to here,” said Ducktown mayor Dr. Ludwig Van Drake

The bomb went off as Jerry Dickerson (owner and proprietor of Cabin Anthrax) was returning from a journey to his friendly Ducktown Piggly Wiggly store. No casualties have as yet been reported, but Dickerson was said to be shaken by the incident.

“I just was not prepared for such a savage attack within the confines of my own vehicle,” Dickerson told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker. “I normally wear tennis shoes or my stylish Merrill water footwear for these trips, but today I was clad in sandals. It gave the little bastard all the bare flesh he could want as a target.”

The identity of the scorpion is clouded in mystery but officials from the Arthropod Authority believe him to be a radical performance artist known only as “Notorious Stinga.”

Dickerson told reporters that he is considering putting in a request for surplus protective gear from the Pentagon

“Stinga” is well known around Murphy for his anarchist ballads and subversive lyrics. He is backed by three scorpion teenagers that form a thuggish percussion section that drum out an inhuman low frequency beat using their 18 legs.

“He is leading our youth astray with this ‘Stinga’ rap,” said a spokesman for the Authority. “Stinga has no respect for his elders and treats the females of our species like they were mere insects. No good can come of this violent low crawl music!”

The bomb went off on the top Dickerson’s highly attractive right foot, causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic and precipitating a torrent of foul language. However, being used to bites, pinches, and stings from a variety of house guests, Dickerson was able to regain control of the massive environmental nightmare he calls an SUV just in the nick time.

“I’m really sick to death of these zealots trying to ruin a beautiful relationship,” said Dickerson. “I think we just need to try harder so we can ‘all just get along.'”

The spokesman for the Arthropod Authority agreed, telling reporters that “Stinga” is now a wanted bug and is on the no-ride list.

 

 

Ferguson Cops To Be Retrained In The Use Of Firearms

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson announced this morning that the entire Ferguson police force will be attending mandatory remedial firearms training classes this fall.

Chief Jackson spoke to reporters via video link  from an underground command and control bunker outside Ferguson.

The retraining facility in Florida is located close to bars and restaurants where officers can relax and kick back after training sessions.

“Although we have not as yet had the time nor the inclination to interview Officer Wilson about the shooting involving that black guy Michael Brown, it appears that it took at least six shots to bring the bastard down, and that is just not acceptable,” said Jackson.

“Early autopsy reports clearly show that Darren is having a problem with his aim. We have high standards here in Ferguson, and we expect all of our officers to be able to bring down a black suspect with a maximum of three shots. Darren’s grouping in this case was entirely inadequate.”

“I’ve talked to the mayor and he has assured me that we can find the funds to send the entire force, except of course for our three black officers, to Panhandle Police Training, Inc., this fall,” said the Chief.

During downtime, trainees at Panhandle are encouraged to participate in “team-building” activities

Panhandle Police is a training facility located deep in the swamps of northwest Florida. In addition to improving officer’s aim, it teaches the “Bashar al-Assad” method of crowd control, with the liberal use of automatic weapons, air strikes, and nerve agents. It is internationally renowned for its ability to retrain cops who have gone soft over the years or have lost “that killing edge.”

Although Florida seems like a long way to go to be retrained, Panhandle Police has the advantage of being located close to several white supremacist headquarters with restaurant, bar, and recreation facilities so that stressed-out officers can blow off steam after a hard day’s training. This allows cops from all over the country to return to their jurisdictions relaxed, refreshed, and ready to run roughshod over individual’s civil rights.

Rumors abound that some of Panhandle’s trainers have checkered pasts. The rumors remain unsubstantiated however, because every journalist attempting to investigate them has mysteriously disappeared.

In addition to firearms training, Panhandle offers classes in abuse, corruption, and homogeneity.

“I don’t just want to improve our officer’s aim,” said Jackson. “I’ve asked Mayor Knowles for extra funds so that our brave white police officers can be taught not to be so timid around large unarmed minority crowds with embedded reporters and photographers from major news outlets. A few well placed sniper rounds or the use of a little mustard gas when those black folks first started getting uppity would have worked wonders for this community.”

“In the meantime, I have ordered the entire force to carry shotguns or fully automatic assault weapons and hand grenades in order to make up for our poor aim,” said Jackson. “We don’t want another embarrassing episode like we are currently facing with Darren, now do we?”

Reporters were initially invited to attend Chief Jackson’s briefing in the comfort of his nicely appointed and air-conditioned command and control bunker but were unable to get through the cordon of tanks and armored personnel carriers surrounding the entrance.

Messiah Scheduled To Return This Sunday

Our Lord’s return has been highly anticipated by clerics all over the world

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Everyone had better be getting their house in order, because The Prince of Pitch and Lord of La Liga will be returning to earth on Sunday when the Catalans take on Elche in their first match of the year.

The Messiah will be leading a divine squad of disciples, revamped and reinvigorated by new manager Bishop Luis Enrique.

On one wing the Apostle Neymar will return with another year of experience under his cloak ready to levitate over opposing defenders and maneuver around the opposition like a pillar of fire.

Barca fans all over the globe hope that Saint Xavi, Patron Saint of Reptiles, will rise like Lazarus to help guide the team in one final Crusade before departing to spread the gospel in America

Our Lord and Savior will be supported on the other wing by the always loyal Archangel Pedro the Swift, a player quite capable of scoring heavenly goals on his own.

Newly converted heretic and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will strike fear into the hearts of every defender he encounters in the middle. Unfortunately the saintly striker will be unable to join the ministry until October because of that unfortunate misunderstanding at the World Cup in Brazil.

He will however, be available for Barca’s confrontation with opposing sect Real Madrid.

The ravenous striker has been granted dispensation from Pope Francis for all past and future consumptions of human flesh during matches played in both La Liga and the Champion’s League so “The Scourge” should be biting on all cylinders this season.

The midfield will ably organized by Cardinal Andrés Iniesta and the usual cast, with support from Saint Xavi The Chameleon.

The addition of saintly striker and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will no doubt strike fear into the hearts of non-believers all over Europe

The Army of God’s defensive troops will be led by St Mascherano the Martyr, who so readily sacrifices himself over and over again for the one true faith.

In conclusion, this year’s Barca lineup should strike terror into the hearts of all non-believers.

Many pundits think that if an internal schism can be avoided this season we will see a return of the Spanish Inquisition.

The Messiah and his disciples could very well leave a trail of tortured souls across scorched pitches in both La Liga and the Champion’s League.

Infidels across Europe should fear and tremble at Our Master’s return.

The Messiah’s first sermon of the new season may be seen live from Camp Nou on beIN Sports at 3 PM Eastern.

 

 

 

Ferguson Missouri’s First Annual Reenactment Of Tiananmen Square Massacre Proclaimed ‘Huge Success’ By Mayor And Local Law Enforcement Officials

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – At a press conference outside embattled Ferguson, Missouri this morning, local law enforcement officials praised the success of its first annual “Remember Tiananmen Square” festival and reenactment.

Although Chief Jackson bemoaned the fact that he did not have an entire armored column at his disposal, he told reporters that he thought that “all them black folks get the point we are trying to make.”

The festivities, which kicked off over a week ago with the execution of an unarmed black teen by a white police officer, have exceeded all expectations, according to Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson.

“I just can’t tell you how delighted we are with the results, and we look forward to holding many more festivals in the future,” said Jackson.

The almost all white city council and police department got the idea for the festival from watching international reporting on “hot spots” around the world where oppressive regimes and terrorist thugs have been brutally abusing ethnic and religious groups.

Ferguson businesses could not be happier. They are doing a booming business in “atrocity” play-sets for kids and have practically sold out of stylish Kevlar vests in an assortment of colors.

“We thought hey, what great way to remind the colored folks of Ferguson just who is in charge around here,” said Chief Jackson, “and since we had all this cool second-hand military equipment we should put it to good use instead of letting it lie around gathering dust.”

Ferguson officials hope that next year’s The Killing Fields movie festival and Khmer Rouge theme park will be as great a success as this year’s celebration of civil rights.

“The idea of initiating the chaos with a good old racially motivated police shooting of an unarmed black dude really worked to perfection,” said Mayor James “There Is No Racial Divide In Ferguson” Knowles. “I have to give credit for that particular idea to Imperial Lizard Nathan Bedford Forrest IV, a long-time city council member. Brilliant idea Bedford!”

Future plans call for a new ‘atrocity exhibition’ in Ferguson each year. Ideas include a reenactment of the “killing fields” of Cambodia courtesy of the Khmer Rouge, a 12 act outdoor stage play of several of Stalin’s purges, a theme park dedicated to Mao’s Cultural Revolution, and possibly a month-long celebration of the Spanish Inquisition to coincide with the 2016 presidential election.

“We cannot stress enough how happy we are with all the national and international attention we’re getting,” said Mayor Knowles. “This event has really put our sleepy little hamlet on the map. I hope it encourages individuals and businesses from all over America to consider a move to the great state of Missouri, where ‘we all just get along!'”

As long as the homogeneous white male power structure is armed with tanks and machine guns, that is…

WWJD?

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As one wanders aimlessly about the football pitch of life, one is faced again and again with life-altering decisions that must be made in order to continue on a path towards a winning goal. When I find myself unable to decide in what direction I should go, I ask the simple question: “What would José Mourinho do?”

José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix, better known as “The Special One,” has been my guiding light through times of trouble and indecision. He is omnipresent, hovering there at the edge of consciousness, always willing to lend me a helping hand when I am unable to choose the correct path on my own.

Let him do the same for you. You won’t regret it.

“The Special One”  begins his 2014 ministry today at 3 PM Eastern on NBCSP when Chelsea takes on newly promoted Burnley FC at Turf Moor.

 

REMEMBER: