THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) -A double from Our Lord and Savior a day after his 27th birthday inspired Argentina to a 3-2 win over African champions Nigeria and assured them of finishing top of Group F at the World Cup finals.
Monthly Archives: June 2014
Islamic Terrorists Celebrate Nigerian World Cup Success By Detonating Second Bomb
THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Violence rocked the Nigerian capital of Abuja on Wednesday when a bomb exploded at a shopping mall in the upscale Wuse district, killing at least 21 people and sending a pall of black smoke into the sky.
Police said at least 17 people were injured in the blast at the Emab Plaza mall.
The explosive device was placed amid a group of vehicles near the entrance to the center, according to witnesses cited in local media accounts. Among the dead were street vendors who were selling food and other goods nearby.
Boko Haram’s unstable and downright weird leader Abubakar Shekau took time out of his busy beheading schedule to tell reporters that “like religious fanatics all over the world, what we do makes no sense whatsoever.”
Last week, at least 14 people were killed in an attack on a World Cup soccer viewing venue in Damaturu, capital of the northern state of Yobe. In May, about 130 people were killed in twin explosions at a market in Jos, in central Nigeria.
At a press conference from his luxury condominium on the beach at Lake Chad, Boko Haram’s unbalanced leader Abubakar Shekau told a gathering of nervous, sweaty journalists that the most recent bombing was one in a series of vile and inhuman actions scheduled in celebration of Nigeria’s success in the World Cup.
“Look guys, we are nothing but ignorant, savage religious fanatics,” said Shekau, “we really don’t know any better way of cheering on our team other than with the wanton murder of innocent civilians.”
When a reporter asked Shekau why Boko Haram could not celebrate with the traditional firing of AK-47’s into the air as normal terrorists around do around the world, Shekau replied, “firing into the air wastes ammo and is so blasé. Let those dudes in the Middle East do that shit. We are the cutting edge members of the ‘religion of peace’ and we want everyone to know it.”
It’s well-known around Nigeria that the only human being that can keep Shekau under control is one of his nine common-law wives, Gertrude.
Shekau went on to explain that if Nigeria made it into the semi-finals the terrorist group planned on releasing a nerve agent in the capital Abuja followed up by a mass mailing of anthrax powder to every student currently enrolled in Nigeria’s western universities.
“We are really excited about our team’s chances,” said Shekau, “and if we make it into the final we plan on vaporizing a major city with an old Russian suitcase bomb!”
Shekau then apologized to the group for cutting the press conference short because a new shipment of kidnapped women and children had just arrived and he was required for the “new slave orientation” session.
He ended the press conference by thanking the gathering of reporters for their attendance and encouraging them to follow all the central tenets of Islam while reminding them that disobedience would mean slow dismemberment live on the internet.
Soylent Creator Rob Rhinehart Announces New Spokesman For Food Replacement Drink
THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – At a press conference shortly after the conclusion of the Italy vs Uruguay World Cup match, creator and champion of the nutritional drink Soylent Rob Rhinehart announced that Liverpool soccer superstar Luis Suarez will join the Soylent team as spokesman and vice president of marketing.
Dr. Frank Black pointed out that many cannibals have risen to considerable heights in politics and society and have accomplished great things.
The position will no doubt help fill in the gap left in Suarez’s income that he will suffer because of his attempt to devour Italian player Giorgio Chiellini. The incident is the third in a series of biting incidents involving Suarez.
Suarez’s thirst for human flesh is thought to be the result of his upbringing in Salto, Uruguay. As a child, Luis was forced to consume several siblings and schoolmates in order to stay alive. Although Suarez has used his incredible physical talent to become a wealthy and successful soccer player, he still retains some of the savagery present in his youth.
“Once you taste human flesh, there’s really no turning back,” said Dr. Frank Black, of the Cannibal and Headhunter Anti-Defamation League. “Luis can’t be blamed for these urges. I expect FIFA and other football organizations to try to make him a scapegoat, but plenty of people have endured that kind of unwarranted criticism and risen to great heights in society.”
“We intend to back Luis 100% whether he is on the pitch or on television promoting liquified human flesh.”
The biting incident just occurred hours ago, so there is no telling what FIFA’s investigation may find, but no one expects Suarez to appear again in this World Cup, unless it is at one of the refreshment stands in the stadium offering human pot stickers or at the popular Brazilian steak house chain, Donner’s Biped Cattle Company.
Suarez will become Soylent’s first spokesman and part of the ad campaign will include a series of interstate billboards.
Son Of God Smites Islamic Republic With His Divine Left Foot
THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – After 90 minutes of being stymied by a tenacious and indefatigable Islamic defense, the forces of the Pope finally prevailed when the Prince of Pitch launched a spectacular curling shot into the top corner of the Iranian goal. The victory lifts Argentina into the round of 16 in the 2014 World Cup.
The Messiah’s goal pierced the Islamic defense “like Richard the Lionheart in the Holy Land,” said Pope Francis
“With the help of The Messiah, all things are possible,” said a relieved Argentina coach Alejandro Sabella. Sabella praised Iran for playing a “great” game and making it difficult for his side.
Watched by past Argentine great Diego Maradona in a 57,698 crowd, Our Savior appeared to be in an unthreatening position when he received the ball on the right in the 91st minute.
Then dropping his shoulder and cutting quickly inside, he curled a simply brilliant 25-yard left-foot shot over Iran’s massed defense and into the far corner past outstanding goalkeeper Alireza Haghighi’s outstretched hand. As the ball left the blessed Crusader’s foot, it began to glow as an eerie light fell over the entire stadium, while the parking area and refreshment stands went completely dark.
The Iranian goal veil was rent, and the Argentine fans went wild in celebration, with many cheering in tongues.
After the match the Prince of Pitch greeted admiring fans and signed autographs for kids as he levitated 12 inches off the ground in the VIP parking lot.
“Not even Saladin himself could have stopped that shot,” said a weeping Sabella.
The goal and subsequent Argentine victory fulfills an ancient Biblical prophecy from the little-known Book of FIFA in the Old Testament. In Chapter 7 Verse 10, it states “And on the sixth day he shall rise again from his bed to smite the unbelievers from the east with his divine left foot, and their armies will be vanquished, and there shall be much rejoicing in the Vatican and the bars of Buenos Aires.”
The miraculous nature of the shot prompted the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei to pardon his players from the round of beheadings that usually follows a loss on the soccer pitch.
“What we saw out there today was no less than the left foot of God,” said Khamenei during a press conference at the Revolutionary Guards Lounge and Re-education Center in Tehran, where he had viewed the match. “Our players did an admirable job, but you can’t expect mere mortals to defy the will of God for 90 minutes plus stoppage time. It was just too much.”
When asked about the performance of Lionel Messi, the goal scoring Messiah, Khamenei remarked, “That is one talented son of a bitch.”
CDC Dispatches 84 Scientists And Researchers To West Africa To Fight Ebola Outbreak
ATLANTA (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Thomas Frieden announced today that 84 more personnel will be sent to West Africa to help combat the Ebola outbreak that is devastating parts of Liberia, Guinea, and Sierra Leone. The 84 scientists will join a team of five CDC personnel already on the ground in the area.
The outbreak has already claimed over 300 lives and is considered by many to be completely out of control.
“The reality is clear that the epidemic is now in a second wave,” Bart Janssens, a Doctors Without Borders official, told the Associated Press. “And, for me, it is totally out of control.
Ebola causes high fevers, vomiting, diarrhea and often death. The latest epidemic has left more than 330 dead in Guinea, Sierra Leone and Liberia. The outbreak started in heavily populated areas of Guinea and Liberia.
Members of the highly trained team of scientists are reminded of proper procedure before they depart on their trip. The CDC denied that all the Delta Airlines tickets distributed to the personnel were “one-way.”
“I’m absolutely convinced that this epidemic is far from over and will continue to kill a considerable number of people, particularly health workers” Janssens told AP, “so this will definitely end up the biggest ever.”
The CDC has not released the names of the employees destined for the hot zone, and Dr. Frieden insisted that the move has nothing to do with the 84 federal employees recently exposed to deadly anthrax bacteria.
“We had planned to send these folks into the field for quite some time, and introducing them into a filthy environment loaded with Ebola, malaria and Dengue fever is the perfect way to get their feet wet in the exciting world of hands on disease prevention,” said Frieden. “It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to get rid of bumbling scientists that did not follow proper protocol, or trying to avoid the costly medical expenses of treating anthrax infections.”
The potentially disastrous anthrax exposure occurred after researchers working in a high-level biosecurity laboratory at the agency’s Atlanta campus failed to follow proper procedures to inactivate the bacteria. They then transferred the samples, which may have contained live bacteria, to lower-security CDC labs not equipped to handle live anthrax, as well as the campus cafeteria.
More researchers were exposed to the deadly substance during an office party when the powder was mistaken for table sugar and used to sweeten iced tea.
Dr. Frieden told The Atlanta Journal Constitution that he has full faith in the team, and those who beat the odds and survive will no doubt be in line for some important bonuses and promotions.
Florida Cretin Kidnaps Daughter To Save Her From Horrors Of Modern Science And Education
SUNRISE, FLORIDA (CT&P) – A nationwide cretinhunt is now underway for a Megan Everett, a Florida mother who kidnapped her daughter in order to prevent her from being vaccinated and learning about black history. The woman and her daughter, Lilly Everett, have been AWOL since May 6th, and are thought to be in hiding with like-minded creatures somewhere in the U.S.
On May 19, Broward Circuit Judge Michele Towbin Singer issued a warrant for Everett’s arrest on charges of custodial kidnapping, interference with court-ordered custody, and concealing a minor contrary to a court order. Federal authorities became involved when it became evident that Everett had crossed state lines in order to avoid prosecution on the state charges.
Robert Baumann, the girl’s father, told the The Orlando Sentinel that he had planned to have his daughter Lilly vaccinated so she could enroll in preschool, but that Everett objected to that plan.
“She found this new idea that vaccines are horrible,” Baumann said. “I think she wanted to keep her from being vaccinated because that would keep her out of day care.”
“One of the issues we had was, she wanted to home-school my daughter,” he added. “I didn’t want that to happen. She didn’t want Lilly to learn about black history. She just wanted her to learn about the Confederacy.”
This snapshot taken of Ms Everett visiting her orthodontist just before the kidnapping has been distributed to law enforcement agencies across the United States.
Court documents suggest that the reason Everett didn’t want her daughter studying black history is that she had become involved with a man named Carlos Lesters, who is described as “a Confederate-flag-waving gun enthusiast” with family in Georgia and Kentucky. When authorities contacted Lesters, he informed them that she was gone “and not coming back.”
Federal authorities have concentrated their search for the two in areas that have completely rejected science and reason in favor faith and superstition, such as the U.S. House of Representatives, Virginia’s 7th District, and various Tea Party strongholds across America.
The NSA is keeping close watch on kooky anti-vaccine websites for any mention of the cretin and her three-year-old daughter. FBI agents have been dispatched to the headquarters of several large anti-vaccination organizations to interview key personnel, but so far the agency has been frustrated by the total lack of logic and intelligence they have faced.
“Have you ever tried to have an intelligent conversation with any of these kooks?” said Agent Bill Nye during a recent interview with CNN. “The internet has been a great invention for the most part, but my God, sometimes I think you ought to possess at least a minimum IQ to be allowed to use it. All of these dullards get on the web and they become convinced that President Bush orchestrated 9/11, we really didn’t go to the moon, and Hillary Clinton stormed our compound in Benghazi. It’s ridiculous.”
“What is really confusing about this case is, if the woman wanted her child to grow up to be a dim wit with no access to health care, then why the hell did she leave Florida in the first place? It’s downright puzzling.”
So far no leads have surfaced in the case but authorities are confident that the two will eventually be found. Agent Nye told CNN that “the mother can hide for a while, but in the end we’ll find her. This level of stupidity can’t go unnoticed forever.”
Republican Senator Thad Cochran Ordered To Seek Treatment After Weird Confession At Campaign Stop
HATTIESBURG, MS (CT&P) – Circuit court Judge Horace Ungulate III has ordered Senator Thad Cochran (R-MS) to seek therapy after the senator admitted to “doing all sorts of indecent things with animals” in his youth.
The weird confession occurred while Senator Cochran was addressing a group of supporters at Forrest General Hospital in Hattiesburg.
“I grew up coming down here for Christmas,” he said. “My father’s family was here. My mother’s family was from rural Hinds County in Utica.”
“It was fun, it was an adventure to be out there in the country and to see what goes on,” he said of his boyhood visits to Hattiesburg. “Picking up pecans, from that to all kinds of indecent things with animals.”
The audience chuckled.
Although bestiality is technically illegal in Mississippi, in some areas it is considered a “right of passage” and prosecutions are rare.
“And I know some of you know what that is,” Cochran said
The comments caused quite a stir on the internet and with voters in the area that graduated from high school.
Although technically illegal, bestiality is rarely prosecuted in Mississippi. “The problem is that the legislature has had a very difficult time determining just what the definition of ‘beast’ really is,” said Republican state senator Robert “Bobby” Bovine from Tupelo.
“If the definition is too vague, we could have sheriff’s deputies arresting couples from trailer parks all over the state. Then again, if we limit the definition of ‘beast’ to cows, goats, and sheep, we are gonna incarcerate a large percentage of our core supporters.”
Although Cochran’s lawyer read a statement in court in which the senator denied remembering making any “odd statements about animals” at the meeting, Judge Ungulate was unmoved.
“We have enough unenlightened weirdos and dim wits in American politics already,” said Ungulate. “The fact that the senator can’t remember what the fuck he said is all the more reason he needs to be hospitalized.
The episode, along with the demise of Eric Cantor, has boosted primary challenger Chris McDaniel, another in a long line of Tea Party kooks, to an eight point lead in the race with only about week left before election day.
President Obama Offers Full-Time Positions To FIFA Referees
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -During a press conference at the White House today, President Obama offered full-time jobs with the TSA to all the FIFA officiating crews currently working the World Cup in Brazil.
Citing a “level of incompetence not often seen outside Washington D.C.,” the President told reporters that “rarely have a group of individuals shown such a consistent lack of ability to do anything right despite years of training and experience, and that’s a valued trait among government employees.”
“No way these guys belong on a soccer pitch,” said the President. “Their rightful place is in government, with others of their own kind. Personally I can’t think of a more perfect fit than within the Transportation Security Administration.”
Although the World Cup has just begun, the ineptitude and lack of proficiency of the FIFA referees has been on display for the entire world to see. Few doubt that most of the officiating teams will be in dire need of employment by the time the tournament ends just over a month from now.
However, there is no guarantee that the refs will accept President Obama’s job offer. The State of Florida has also bid on the services of the bumbling and confused officials.
“Florida is always in need of dim-witted and spiteful state employees,” said Governor Rick Scott. “I think we can find room for them within our bloated and inefficient department of corrections, for example. I think that crew that made of shambles of the Mexico-Cameroon match would make great probation officers.”
Several other states have made bids on the services of the referees, so they will no doubt be able to pick and choose where they end up. It looks like they could be wreaking havoc anywhere within the continental United States after the World Cup is over.
God Replaces House Majority Leader Eric Cantor With Rank Amateur
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what some church officials are calling a “miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea,” Almighty God replaced House Majority Leader Eric Cantor with an obscure economics professor from Randolph-Macon this week.
It seems that for the first time in several hundred years, God suspended the laws of physics, logic, common sense, and modern scientific polling to allow David Brat, a political newcomer, to beat the house leader by over ten percentage points in Virginia’s 7th District Republican primary race.
While many political analysts and talking heads say that Cantor’s unhealthy infatuation with beef played a role, most of those “in the know” put the majority of blame for Cantor’s shocking loss on his attempt to help the children of illegal immigrants, and the subsequent loss of support it precipitated in divine circles.
Everyone in politics knows how much God hates illegal immigration. Here Jesus accompanies a an ICE team in Houston assigned to roundup immigrant children before they get old enough to steal our jobs.
“Everyone knows how much God hates illegal immigrants and their kids,” said Walter Dullard, a Tea Party strategist. “Cantor showed a recklessness and lack of foresight unusual in a seasoned politician.”
“His desire to help the innocent kids of illegals angered the Lord as well as his constituents, and paved the way for this miracle,” said Dullard.
During his acceptance speech Tuesday night Brat acknowledged that his victory was indeed a “miracle from God.” He went out of his way to praise the deity by reading several Bible verses in hopes that he can retain divine support for future reelection campaigns.
Satan, Lord of the Underworld and Prince of Darkness, normally a strong supporter of Tea Party candidates, offered Brat no help in the election.
“We wanted to sit this one out and see what happened,” said Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary. “As long as God is preoccupied with the midterms and local races, his attention is drawn away from things like worldwide hunger, war, environmental destruction, climate change, natural disasters, genocide, and the like. We’re left to ‘do our thing’ without any interference from ‘upstairs.'”
Although Brat has no experience in politics and the quagmire of stupidity that is Washington D.C., he told reporters that “Ignorance and an overall lack of intelligence has never been an obstacle in American politics, and I look forward to a long and financially fruitful career in the nation’s capital.”
Politicians In North Carolina Hope Fracking Legislation Will Get Them Reelected While Decimating The Local Biosphere
Governor McCrory relates his vision of a poisoned North Carolina moonscape to oil and gas executives while on an all expenses paid vacation to Las Vegas last fall.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Fed up and disgusted with the natural beauty and abundant wildlife in the region, North Carolina politicians have pushed a bill through the legislature that would allow fracking throughout the state. The bill was signed into law today by Republican Governor Pat “Scorched Earth” McCory.
North Carolina Republicans hope that by poisoning the groundwater the state can obliterate troublesome wildlife and run off pesky tourists.
The Republican-led state legislature moved quickly last week to fast-track permits for fracking, in which rock formations are cracked and infused with chemical-laced water to extract natural gas.
The technology has led to a nationwide boom in domestic gas production, and North Carolina is believed to have untapped reserves of shale gas in a massive underground rock formation. In 2012, regulators estimated the state had 83 million barrels of natural gas liquids, or roughly a five-year supply for the state.
A 2012 North Carolina law cleared the way for fracking to begin, but called for a separate vote after rules were drafted to protect the environment. The new law allows permits to be issued without further legislative action two months after state regulations are completed, likely early next year.
The new law also expressly forbids local governments to ban fracking and makes it illegal to reveal just what the fuck kind of chemicals are being injected into the earth all over the state.
“We have watched and waited as other states moved forward with energy exploration, and it is finally our turn,” said Governor McCrory. “This legislation will spur economic development at all levels of our economy, not just the energy sector.”
House Speaker Thom “Reign of Terror” Tillis hopes that the bill will help him become a U.S. Senator and make tracts of land available to store nuclear waste materials. “We need to follow in the footsteps of West Virginia. Those guys really know what they’re doing,” said Tillis.
“We sincerely hope that we can join other states that are rapidly poisoning their drinking water supplies and creating a blight on their landscapes with all those hideous fracking rigs,” continued McCory, whose gloved left hand began to exhibit a slight tremor. “I mean, the amount of gas we hope to recover is not that large, but the political benefits could be enormous, and we get to destroy some pristine environments and kill a lot of wildlife in the process. It’s a big ‘win-win-win’ for everyone involved!”
Fracking opponents say the drilling practice contaminates groundwater and air, among other problems. State Representative Pricey Harrison, a Democrat, said the extra vote required by the earlier law was a crucial safeguard.
“We promised the people of North Carolina we were not going to move forward with fracking until we have rules in place to protect the public health and the environment,” said Harrison. “This bill violates that promise.”
However, House Speaker Thom “Reign of Terror” Tillis, the Republican seeking to unseat Democratic U.S. Senator Kay Hagan this fall, said the change was needed to jump-start exploration in the state.
“We need to get the industry interested in doing the research and necessary steps to really determine the extent to which this is a viable industry in North Carolina,” Tillis said last week. “What we’re trying to do is provide certainty to the industry.”
Governor McCrory has hired Russian company, Chernobyl Enterprises, Inc., to design and build a string of nuclear power plants from the Tennessee state line to the Atlantic Ocean. The plants are expected to generate vast quantities of electricity to surrounding states where former North Carolinians will be forced to flee.
“We hope that this new legislation will do for North Carolina what strip mining and mountain top removal has done for West Virginia,” said Tillis. “I don’t know about you, but I am sick to fucking death of seeing postcards of breathtaking mountains views, beautiful streams, and gorgeous lakes. All they do is bring tourists into our state. What we really need is a few jobs that will last a couple of years until the supply of natural gas is used up. Then we’ll be left with some nice Superfund sites that will bring in some federal cash. Who knows, maybe we can even get some contracts to store spent nuclear fuel within some of our old national parks!”
The bill passed over protests from local governments and property owners all over the state who are concerned about the effects of fracking on fish and wildlife, as well as the state’s natural beauty.
When asked what happened to the old Ronald Reagan Republican Party that wanted to return power to local government, Governor McCrory replied, “Listen, politics today is ruled by cash, and cash only. The Supreme Court made sure of that. We politicians have one major goal, and that’s reelection. To hell with everything else, and that damn sure includes the environment! Who gives a shit what this place looks like 50 years from now? I’ll be long dead by then.”
The legislature is also considering a variety of other job-friendly bills that would allow strip mining in western parts of the state, oil rigs within 500 yards of the state’s beaches, above ground nuclear testing in the Piedmont region, and a complete defoliation of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park using a mixture of Agent Orange and radioactive isotopes of caesium.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 