General Erik Shinseki To Be Executed On June Sixth

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At  a press conference this morning White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Veteran’s Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki has been arrested and condemned. According to Carney, Shinseki will be executed on June 6th as part of the annual observance of the D-Day invasion of 1944.

Carney told journalists that Shinseki made President Obama’s infamous “kill list” late last week after it became apparent that the V.A. scandal was not going to simply blow over.

Shinseki, now considered an enemy of the state,  was dragged from his bed in the early hours of the morning, stripped naked, and transported to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation regarding his failures to get V.A. wait times and medical care updated to at least the medieval level. The NSA has contacted Edward Snowden to see if he has any records in his possession that would help “frame up” Shinseki and place most of the blame on him for the deplorable state of affairs over at the V.A.

The NSA has contacted Edward Snowden in an attempt to obtain surveillance records that could help incriminate Shinseki

The Obama Administration has been under intense pressure from both sides of the aisle over the latest in a series of reports that indicate that the V.A. is being run “like a field hospital during the Crimean War.”

Carney told journalists that President Obama was “irritated, outraged, nauseated, upset, irked, troubled, and disturbed by the report, and Shinseki seemed like the appropriate scapegoat given the current situation.”

Other administration officials were equally perturbed. Secretary of State John Kerry broke out in hives and suffered from projectile vomiting upon reading the report, which he termed “Kafkaesque.” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell is said to be suffering from irritable bowel syndrome and dysentery after reviewing the situation. After he read the report Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel had multiple seizures and had to be hospitalized. (In a private facility in outside Arlington)

Republican response was similar. Speaker of the House John Boehner broke down and sobbed during a session of Congress today and had to be assisted by aides to his favorite Georgetown pub, The Right Winger. Senator Ted Cruz expressed his outrage by spinning his head around 360 degrees while spewing pea soup a la Linda Blair. Representative Michele Bachman called a quick press conference and demanded action saying “Our brave Civil War veterans deserve better treatment than this.”

Speaker Boehner cried so hard after reading the report he had to receive intravenous fluids in order to ward off dehydration

Carney told reporters that the sacrifice of General Shinseki was regrettable but necessary in order to deflect blame from the president and make it appear that the White House was actually doing something about the problems at the V.A. “The real problem we have here is that we just can’t stop these damn leaks,” said Carney. “That fucking report should never have been made public. We were just observing a time-honored tradition in this country of treating veterans like pig shit and then some moron has to let that report leak out. It’s unforgivable, and I’m afraid Eric has to pay the price.”

General Shinseki’s method of execution has not yet been decided. Some within the administration are pushing a plan for a public crucifixion on Capitol Hill that would last for hours and allow the general public to file by and enjoy the spectacle. Others prefer a simple gun shot to the back of the head down at Gitmo after which Shinseki would be fed to the hungry sharks circling the facility waiting for the next terrorist corpse. However, it seems probable that considering General Shinseki’s long record of serving his country he will at least be given the honor of a firing squad.

Currently Shinseki is being water-boarded around the clock in order to ascertain just what the hell he knew and when he knew it. So far no pertinent information has been garnered, but CIA interrogators told Newsweek that is not unusual at all during the first few days of questioning, because it’s hard to understand a drowning man.

Carney told journalists that everything should be back to normal by this time next year and veterans could expect to receive the same shitty care they always have at the V.A. He also emphasized that by the time the next generation of young male cannon fodder reaches the age of 18 all this will be a distant memory and the kids will no doubt jump at the chance to participate in the next senseless bloody conflict the old men in Washington conjure up.

 

 

ROBERTSON GONE WILD!

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Viewers of the “700 Club” were somewhat taken aback yesterday when host and dangerously unhinged televangelist Pat Robertson began channeling some weird fusion of Thomas Aquinas, the Marquis de Sade, and Dr. Ruth in response to a viewer’s letter regarding a spousal relationship.

After listening to a letter from a female viewer detailing her husband’s habit of wanting outsize credit whenever he washes a dish or sweeps the floor, Robertson told the letter writer that she needs to “understand the male psyche.”

“The male wants to do something for his wife; he wants to provide for his family,” Robertson explained. “And when he cleans up, he’s saying, ‘I love you.’ That is his way of saying to you, ‘I love you.’ And you’ve got to understand that’s what it is … and you are supposed to say to him, ‘Darling, you are wonderful and I love you, too.’”

Up until this point Robertson seemed to be on pretty firm ground, which is unusual for Pat, but then things turned a little weird.

Robertson then suggested what a good wife should really do when a husband chips in on the household chores. “With each dish he’s saying, ‘I love you,’” Robertson said, “and if you understood that and you say, ‘Darling, I got a treat for you … wait ’til we get behind closed doors and you’ll see the treat I have for you’” then, presumably, good things will happen.

Robertson continued, “For example, if your husband cleans the table and washes the dishes after a meal, I think that is probably worth some exciting oral sex later on that evening. If your husband vacuums the entire house and takes the garbage out after he gets home from work, then I think oral sex plus intercourse is definitely in order. Now, if your husband forgoes his normal weekend golf outing with the boys in order to mow the grass and work around the home, then a good wife should treat him to a 48 hour sexual marathon complete with sexy lingerie, whips, and maybe  a vibrating tofu butt plug coated with hot Cambodian fish sauce.”

A clearly mortified Terry Meeuwson (Pat’s unfortunate but no doubt well paid co-host) tried to rein the Right Reverend Robertson in by saying, “Wait a minute Pat, it sounds to me like you’re suggesting that women fulfill the role of prostitute for their husbands as well as bearing children and keeping a good Christian household.”

“You’re damn right that’s what I’m saying Terry,” replied Pat, who suddenly began speaking with an accent normally reserved for South American soccer announcers.

Robertson told viewers that one way to “spice up” your spousal relationship is to include the family pet in the fun.

“The Bible says that women, being the weaker vessel, should obey their husbands and try their best to make them happy, and we all know what husbands want: sex, sex, and more sex! Wives should really investigate new and exotic ways to please their husbands. Just think of female self-debasement and sexual slavery as keys to a long and successful marriage!”

Meeuwson then tried to go  to a commercial break but Pat was on a roll since he had a new book to promote.

Robertson waved off his co-host and continued, “I have written a new book on the subject which covers all the pertinent material including positioning, bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, wife swapping, and dozens of other helpful ideas for today’s modern wife. It’s titled Pat’s Guide To Whoring Within A Loving Christian Marriage, and it’ll hit the bookshelves on July 4th, just in time for your family vacation!”

At this point the show hit a hard break and Pat was thankfully taken off the air.

Pat never got another opportunity to plug the book because after commercial he got sidetracked with his ongoing feud with fellow insane person and huckster Ken Ham over the age of the earth. However, media talking heads predict that Robertson’s new book will be a successful follow-up to his other bestsellers Pat’s Guide To Interplanetary Collisions, Pat’s Guide To Christian Nudist Camps In The Southeastern United States, Pat’s Guide To Preventing Earthquakes And Tsunamis Through The Power Of Prayer, and his lone  novel published just last year, The Pious Dominatrix.

Esteemed Philosopher And Part-Time Climatologist Dr. Marco Rubio To Be Nominated For Nobel Prize

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – After years of trying to make himself relevant outside the zoo that is his home state of Florida, Senator Marco Rubio has finally hit the “big time” with his new philosophical system that was made public for the first time last week. Senator Rubio (R-FL) outlined his system on Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox News (surprise) Tuesday night.

Senator Rubio told O’Reilly that despite the fact that 95% of climate scientists agree that climate change is indeed occurring and the vast majority of it is being caused by human beings, what really matters is what we believe about climate change. When asked to clarify his statement, Rubio said, “I don’t agree with the notion that some are putting out there, including scientists, that somehow, there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what’s happening in our climate. Facts and actions don’t matter with my new system. It’s your opinion that makes the difference.”

“It’s like with cigarettes and evolution,” continued Rubio, “in my philosophical system, if you don’t believe that cigarettes will kill you, then they won’t. Furthermore, if you have faith that some being created the earth around 6,000 years ago, and T-Rex was hanging out with Jesus in Palestine, well then, that’s what really happened.”

The appearance by Rubio on O’Reilly’s show has sent shock waves through the scientific community worldwide.

“I don’t know why someone hasn’t  thought of this before,” said renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. “This will turn the scientific method on its head. To think that we have wasted all those hundreds of years actually trying to prove theories through repeatable experiments…Rubio’s insight is just breathtaking. It’s all the more remarkable that he chose O’Reilly’s show to unveil this new way of looking at the world. That show is usually just a black hole of ignorance. All I can say is ‘WOW!'”

Rubio says the new system will have far-reaching effects in government policy and basically walks hand in hand with right-wing Republican initiatives already on the books.

Charles Krauthammer was quick to jump on the Rubio “facts don’t matter” bandwagon. He told Fox viewers “I’m proud to be a Dullard, and I’m supporting Rubio in 2016.”

“Now, if you don’t feel well or if you are hungry, all you have to do is believe that you are healthy and well fed, and that solves the problem,” said Rubio. “There’s absolutely no need for government or even charities to worry with the unfortunates in our society. Their problems have always been in their collective head, and my new way of looking at things absolves us from taking any action about it. Think of the money we’ll save!”

Republican leaders and talking heads were quick to jump on the Rubio bandwagon. Charles Krauthammer in particular has become a devotee of “Dullardism,” as the new philosophy is being called. Both Krauthammer and George Will lent their intellectual weight to the new ideas on Fox News’ Panneau de Crétins show on Sunday morning. The normally pompous “prig in a wig” Will said, “I’m really humbled and impressed by Rubio’s deep thought on this matter. We haven’t seen this kind of intellectual progress since Kierkegaard made his famous ‘leap of faith.'”

Republicans were not the only ones impressed by Rubio, however. Enough Democrats agree with his system that it is quite likely that no action will be taken to rein in climate change, or any other global problem, for the foreseeable future.

“I think it’s quite likely that nothing will be done about climate change until those morons in Congress are forced use scuba gear on Capitol Hill,” said Kevin Tyndall, Director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research. “I sincerely hope they all drown in their beds.”

There is however some good news here. Those of us that are over fifty will never feel the full effects of climate change or for that matter Rubio’s new philosophy. We can leave those particular problems for future generations to worry about.

 

 

 

 

Phoning 911 Can Be A Pretty Useless Gesture Around Here…

“East Polk Fire Rescue this is Jed…”

“Ma’am, I can’t understand ya if ya keep on screamin’ so loud…”

“What was that about a chain saw?”

“Well just where are you ma’am?”

“Possum Holler? Yes ma’am we can come get ya.”

“Yes ma’am, we’ll be thar in about 45 minutes.”

“Ma’am, we don’t like cussin’ on the emergency line.”

“Well, I got to find the extra set of keys to the truck ’cause Joe Bob took the regular set with him huntin’ yesterday.”

“Tell you what, if you got any ‘shine around take you a big swaller or two and put you a tourniquet on it and we’ll be thar just as fast as we can, ya hear?”

“Yes, ma’am, we’ll be thar directly.”

“Yes ma’am, thank you for calling East Polk Fire Rescue, and if you can spare five minutes please be sure to complete the brief survey after I hang up. We shore would appreciate it.”

New Evidence Suggests Standardized Testing Is Turning Our Kids Into Gay Nazis

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – Is your son obsessed with annexing the Sudetenland while wearing a dress? Does your daughter want to dye her hair blonde and buy a Subaru Forester? Do your kids look longingly to the east every spring while mumbling something about lebensraum? If so, they could be the victims of standardized testing, according to Florida state representative Charles Van Zant.

In a recent video, Rep. Van Zant (R-Keystone Heights) warned of the danger posed by standardized testing in general and the Common Core testing regimen in particular. He told a group of Common Core detractors that tests from the American Institutes of Research or ‘AIR’ were designed to “turn our kids gay.” Mr. Van Zant, known as ‘Kooky’ to his colleagues in the Florida House of Representatives, told a gathered audience that the new Common Core tests have been designed specifically to “attract every one of your children to be as homosexual as they possibly can.”

American Family Association radio host Bryan Fischer is a good friend and confidant of Rep. Van Zant

“These tests,” said Van Zant, “are the most monstrous conspiracy to be perpetrated on our kids since the communist plot to flouridate our water just after World War II. The American Institutes of Research, who designed these malevolent tests, pretend to be a legitimate educational testing company. In reality, AIR is a shadowy organization of homosexual Nazis that have been hiding in Brazil since their parents fled Germany in 1945.”

“With the help of my good friend Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, I have been able to uncover this plot and with the help of Almighty God and our friends on the Supreme Court we will stop these evil servants of Satan.”

Mr. Fischer, right-wing radio personality and Director of Issues Analysis for American Family, was one of the first intellectuals to link gay activism with the Nazi party. According to Fischer, the Nazi party was loaded with homosexuals. “Just as the homosexual stormtroopers for Hitler were to exterminate and eliminate the opposition and beat them into silence, that’s what homosexual activists want to do today,” Fischer said last year, in one of his many rants on the subject.

When questioned by reporters about how a standardized test could be used to “convert” kids into homosexuality and turn them into National Socialists, Rep. Van Zant cocked his head and appeared to be listening intently. Then he responded, “Norman says that the tests make our kids double-minded. The Bible says a lot about being double-minded,” Van Zant said. “These people who will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, and unless this is stopped, the tests will promote double-mindedness in state education.”

‘Spiny Norman,’ a giant invisible hedgehog, has been Rep Van Zant’s friend and adviser for many years

Later, the thoroughly confused journalists were informed by one of Van Zant’s handlers that “Spiny Norman” is actually an invisible giant hedgehog that accompanies Representative Van Zant everywhere he goes. ‘Norman’ offers analysis and political advice to Van Zant and has been doing so since he was a small child.

Mr. Van Zant’s next appearance will be at the Jacksonville Civic Center in June, where he will discuss the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Admission is free.

House Republicans Propose “Leningrad Lunch” Program For Urban Youth This Summer

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – In 2010, a federal pilot program was instituted to help feed underprivileged urban and rural kids during the summer months. The goal of the program has been to test alternative approaches to distribute aid when schools are not in session. The program has been operating from an initial appropriation of $85 million. Recently the White House asked for an additional $30 million to continue the effort, but a House bill proposed by a group of “compassionate conservatives” provides only $27 million for what’s described as an entirely new pilot program focused on rural areas only.

At a press conference last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) explained the change of emphasis to reporters.

“As you all know, the modern Republican Party is built on Christian values and an overarching concern and compassion for our least fortunate citizens, particularly minorities and children,” said Boehner.

Speaker Boehner was visibly upset as he announced the new “tough love” program. “It’s just too bad we have to starve these kids, but it’s for their own good!”

“We feel that poor urban black and Hispanic kids would be best served by some ‘tough love.’ Paul (Ryan) and I talked it over, and we decided that starving their little black and brown asses over the summer months would teach them some valuable lessons in self-sufficiency and allow them to ‘pull themselves up by the bootstraps’ and learn to make a living on their own without relying on government agencies for help.”

Representative Ryan (R-WI) concurred. “The Bible says: ‘Give a kid a McDonald’s fish sandwich and he is fed for a day, but teach him how to make a fish sandwich at McDonald’s and he will have a subsistence level income for the rest of his life.’ Now who can argue with that logic?”

Ryan continued, “We believe that the method used by the Germans at Leningrad is the best way to alter the tragic cycle of poverty in our inner cities. Instead of spending a bunch of hard-earned money trying to feed and clothe the unfortunates, we intend to starve them out of the cities and make them self-sufficient.”

When asked why poor rural kids would still be receiving the much-needed lunches during the summer months, Boehner replied “Well, all evidence to the contrary, we in the Republican Party are not a bunch of morons, you know. Our loyal base is out there in the countryside. It took us decades to convince poor white folks to vote against their financial interests and we sure as hell don’t want to risk  that voting bloc, not with elections coming up.”

Representative Ryan ended the presser by saying, “Look, we aren’t totally heartless. We intend on instituting another program called ‘Siege Supper’ for kids in depressed urban areas. Road kill, collected by their brothers and sisters out in the country, will be shipped in to the inner city so poor minority kids can learn the art of dressing and preparing possums, raccoons, and a variety of rodents that they can trap and eat right there at home. It will be an exercise in volunteerism and charity for the kids out in the middle of nowhere and serve as a valuable lesson in basic survival for the urban poor. It’ll be a win-win for everybody!”

It has not yet been announced when these programs will be put into action, but national guard troops in all fifty states have been ordered to go on alert as of June 1st.

 

 

Cretins Gone Wild In Florida Trailer Park!

ST AUGUSTINE-Last week Ana Maria Mareta Folch finally had enough of the succession of “sketchy” tenants living in an adjacent trailer in Festering Wound RV Park, located in beautiful Melanoma Beach, Florida. She somehow obtained a key to the offending property and convinced a heavy equipment company to come demolish the trailer and its septic tank with a bulldozer. Since it is much easier to legally destroy property in Florida rather than to construct it, the demolition company obliged her post-haste.  The only problem is that Ms Folch did not own the trailer, which is now spread all over the lot along with the malodorous contents of the septic tank.

When the owner of the trailer home arrived to see the results of Ms Folch’s “community cleanup” she promptly called the St. John’s Sheriff’s Department who dispatched deputies to the scene. The unhinged Ms. Folch was arrested and charged with criminal mischief.

Commander Chuck Mulligan told reporters that, “It’s difficult to understand what goes through people’s heads when they concoct these schemes. I’ve been in law enforcement 27 years and back in the ‘good old days’ we used to have more simple and straightforward crimes to deal with. Nowadays these idiots run around cooking up all sorts of weird scenarios along with their conspiracy theories and their methamphetamine. Florida used to be a nice place to live, but in the past twenty years or so, it seems that everyone in the country with an “L” stamped on his forehead has moved in. Thank God I only have three more years before retirement.”

Ms Folch was unrepentant about the entire thing. “I did the neighborhood a great service. That bitch has been renting that trailer out to all types of wing nuts and freaks since she bought the thing back in 2006. The most recent group of nutballs flagrantly ignored the CC&R’s by playing classical music and jazz all day long and having philosophical discussions on their deck after dinner. If I ever hear another debate on existentialism I’ll go insane. One idiot read the entire text of Fear and Trembling to a group of college students over the Easter holiday. If anyone ever mentions Soren Kierkegaard to me again I’ll beat the shit out of him! Either/Or, Neither/Nor my ass!”

Ms Folch has been released on $10,000 bond and is currently awaiting trial in her 1985 29-foot Puma Travelmaster. She told reporters for the St. Augustine Daily News that “I’m sure I’ll be found innocent, but if I have to pay for the trailer, so be it. If they don’t like me around here I’ve heard that they have some beautiful spots available at Running Sore Estates over in Syphilis Springs. At least over there they are Cartesians and not constantly overcome with angst like the losers who live here. I’m sick of this dump anyway. It’s damn depressing to hear people quoting Kafka and Dostoevsky all day long. I mean, Jesus!“