Serial Urinator Stalks University Of Florida Campus; Suspects Include Every Black Male Residing In The Continental United States

Talented police sketch artists worked for at least five minutes with the victims of the leaking lawbreaker to come up with this detailed and revealing composite of the micturating miscreant roaming the UF campus

GAINESVILLE-Thursday March 20th 2014, the first day of spring. This should be a happy day for all the young men attending the University of Florida. The guys should be greeted with the pleasant sight of scantily clad coeds carefully nurturing deep tans that only much later in life will give rise to a crop of malignant melanomas. However, today the campus is caught in the icy grip of fear. Women of all ages can be seen garbed in protective clothing in the form rain slickers and wetsuits rented from nearby scuba diving shops. The coeds march in defensive phalanx formations on their way to class and Flight 370 discussion groups.

The local offices of Tony Siragusa’s Leakers Anonymous Foundation were raided by the Gainesville cops in order to seize computers listing the names of past and present members

The reason for this reign of terror is simple: a malevolent serial urinator is roaming unchecked around the campus and its nearby environs, relieving himself on innocent female students. The micturating maniac has struck at least six times in recent weeks and is wanted by the Gainesville Police Department for “battery with a warm, straw-colored liquid.”

Gainesville cops are using specially trained crotch-sniffing dogs in the manhunt. The canine detectives are on loan from the TSA

At a news conference yesterday Gainesville Police Chief Billy Joe “Bull” Smegma told reporters that “We have not seen this level of terror on the Florida campus since those guys in the UF computer lab re-tasked the highway signs to read ‘DANGER! ZOMBIE CROSSING! PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION.’ “I want all of the residents of Gainesville to know we are top of this situation,” said Chief Smegma. “I have contacted experts in Chicago that tracked down and arrested the infamous ‘Illinois Enema Bandit’ back in the 70’s, and we are flying them in tomorrow. I also want to give all of you guys a composite sketch we have come up with from the victims’ descriptions of the desperado.”

Chief Smegma then had officers hand out a detailed artist’s rendering of the lawless leaker. He is said to be a black male between the ages of 20 and 40, between 5’6″ and 6’2″ tall, and wearing a hoodie and baggy jeans. “With this description and the excellent sketch made by our expert police artists, we are rapidly narrowing the field of suspects down into the low tens of thousands. Most of the black males on campus are on sports teams so we can easily check their alibis. Add to that the fact that most young black males here in Florida are safely behind bars, and the pool of potential pee-ers dries up nicely,” said Smegma.

An experienced team of police sketch artists worked diligently with victims of the iniquitous eliminator to come up with a detailed composite that would help identify the pernicious pervert with a baleful bladder

“We feel that with the help of the public we can track down this miscreant pretty quickly, Chief Smegma continued. “We are currently checking the alibis of all our sports stars on campus and marking them off the list one by one. We are also receiving assistance from some of our local militias and white supremacist organizations from rural areas of northern Florida and south Georgia. The main thing we want to stress to the public is that they should study the sketch intently and commit it to memory. If any citizen should happen to see anyone who vaguely matches the description of this villainous eliminator, for God’s sake don’t try to take action on your own. Either call local law enforcement or a bunch of your drinking buddies to help with the capture. Although urine is in general sterile and harmless, you never know when an unhinged felon might graduate to ‘Number Two.’ We generally consider serial urination to be a gateway crime and it’s only a matter of time before this cretin becomes completely unhinged and begins committing acts of full scale fecal terrorism.”

Initial reports that the suspect had been arrested last night were proved inaccurate. A man was found unconscious in a restroom over at the liberal arts building with his fly open and privates exposed. However, it turned out to be a tenured political science professor who has suffered from micturition syncope, a condition where the sufferer faints during or after urination. The professor is said to have suffered from the heartbreaking syndrome ever since he underwent extreme trauma during the Florida recount fiasco in 2000.

At present Gainesville police have no one in custody, but cops and private citizens alike are rapidly rounding up and questioning any black male wearing a hoodie that ventures within a 25 mile radius of the campus. Results are expected soon.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part 7)

Spend precious hours of your life carefully folding Walmart and Publix bags so they will fit neatly in some obscure cabinet in the laundry room. The last thing you want is disorder in your household. If you are pressed for space, use a hot iron to compress the stack into a compact mass of organic polymers that will be around long after Homo sapiens is an extinct species.

Choosing the correct pet can be a tricky business. Be sure to select one that best suits your personality. Remember, the most important things in life are cleaning, organization, and maintaining a death grip of control over your immediate surroundings and any entities therein. Model your life after a mid level security officer in the East German Stasi.

Attempt to shape and control your children’s lives with an almost religious zeal reminiscent of an imam at a terrorist training facility. Your kids will adore you for it and after a period of rebelliousness, will grow into happy and well adjusted teenagers. In adulthood they will become either despondent and negative control freaks such as yourself, or neurotic real-life versions of Crazy Larry in Sam Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch. Either way, you will be assured of a nice quiet funeral without all that hysterical sobbing.

If you are a “news anchor” for a cable network do your best to sensationalize tragedies that occur anywhere on earth. Strive to come up with 18 bizarre theories that could explain “mysterious events” that occur. Completely ignore all facts related to the story. Use bizarre colloquialisms that you think are cool, such as “we are efforting to find out the truth.” When in doubt, blame Obamacare.

If a loved one does too much business with Amazon, simply burn the next round of books he receives. Christmas should only come once per year. Besides, who needs intellectuals? They get too big for their britches.

If you are almost 80 years old, always wake up at 6 A.M. and start your day by scrubbing cat vomit off your obscenely expensive silk Persian rug. Act as if this is the first time in the history of the planet that a feline regurgitated. Threaten the cat with severe economic sanctions if the act is repeated.

If you are worried that the size of your penis is not up to snuff, and you thrive on failure, become a probation officer. During your career you will be able to observe every species of genital under the sun and you will finally be able to assess your place in the pricking order. Practice the fine art of meat gazing by adopting a cat and go out of your way to glare and intimidate it while it uses the litter box. Also, don’t to forget to act like a pompous-ass control freak version of Mother Theresa while boasting a whopping three percent success rate for “clients.”

Panic and react with abject horror when your huge feline does something vaguely sexual with his cat bed.

If you are a lazy and shiftless lamprey who suffers from CWDD (Constructive Work Deficiency Disorder), react with a certain lack of enthusiasm and practiced indifference when you are given your morning cleaning assignments by your OCD mom.

If you are spending your weekend on a nearby lake abducting innocent bass from their homes in order to turn them into highly battered cholesterol fillets, always take a shotgun along. You never know when some unsuspecting alien creature may swim by. Remember, always shoot first and ask questions later.

Camping can be enormous fun for the entire family. However, you never know when you might encounter an Eric Robert Rudolph or one of the thousands of Muslim terrorist sleeper cells that are located behind every bush in the United States. You should therefore always be prepared to repel attack. Don’t even think about entering the woods without an assault rifle and appropriate sidearm. Train your wife and kids until they are experts with rocket-propelled grenades and night vision equipment. Remember, the forest is there for all of us to enjoy, so help keep it safe for all Americans.

If a relative or close friend has the impertinence to attempt something as selfish as reading or writing while you are cleaning all your baseboards with a toothbrush for the third time in a week, interrupt them over and over again with stupid, vacuous rhetorical questions until the poor bastard gives up and slashes his wrists.

React with fear and trembling if you should happen to discover a harmless insect in your home. Immediately get on the phone and bitch at the worthless pest control company you pay a fortune to every month to keep you safe from the arthropods and arachnids that have covered every square foot of the planet since long before man emerged from the sea.  Act as if the lone lost and confused ant you see on the kitchen floor represents the vanguard of an endless stream of ravenous driver ants from east Africa. Worry yourself sick about the imminent invasion of segmented miniature monsters who will pick your bones clean in minutes if you dare go to sleep. Try to add precious minutes to your life by taking amphetamines to stay awake 24/7 like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Keep every door in your fucking house closed and locked like you are expecting the Zombie Apocalypse. The last thing you want is fresh air, a pleasant breeze, and the sounds of a waterfall invading the peace and tranquility of your aseptic, lifeless home that is devoid of any personality.

If an aggressive semi-hostile country ruled by a megalomaniacal former KGB officer invades and subjugates a weaker nation thus threatening to precipitate World War III, spend 100% of the airtime on your popular cable program positing bizarre and irrational theories about the disappearance of an airliner carrying a couple of hundred people. Keep your priorities straight and forge ahead with no thought for what is really important.

Management tip of the week: If you own or manage a small business, never  turn your back on any employee or customer. They are all out to rob your ass blind. Never trust anyone you come into contact with in the course of business, especially if they are relatives or close friends. Those cretinous swine will use their close relationship with you to take everything you have worked so hard to attain. Protect yourself by installing microscopic video cameras in every nook and cranny of your business, especially in the restrooms. Make sure they broadcast 24/7 on an encrypted frequency that only you can receive. Always carry a laptop or pad around with you so you can keep an eye on the bastards at all times. Test your employees’ honesty by leaving gold coins in the break room that you have previously exposed to intense ionizing radiation. If one of your vile, heinous employees gives in to temptation, don’t take action until a year later when he is in the hospital suffering from some giant cancerous tumor of mysterious origin. Then visit him and tell him that’s what he gets for being a dishonest bastard. Pull out all the tubes connected to his body and tell the nurse he had a spasm and fell out of bed. When your other employees find out what has happened, they will admire your dedication and cunning and work that much harder to please you.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”

CRETINS GONE WILD!

PANAMA CITY BEACH-The annual spring migration of high energy, low IQ sex-crazed youthful imbeciles has begun. Gulf coast beaches are rapidly filling up with a veritable army of drunken teenagers flush with cash and poor judgement. The annual migration has been met with the usual schizophrenic response on the part of politicians, law enforcement, and business owners.

The innovative mobile penitentiaries are equipped with comfortable seating and provide plenty of exposure to the burning rays of the sun for those cretins still working on their tans. The mini internment facilities will be placed in strategic positions near notorious spring break dens of iniquity such as The Spinnaker.

The businesses along the entire coast are dependent on tourism for their very existence. Politicians are dependent on donations from the people who run these businesses. Law enforcement being law enforcement, sees the annual influx as an invasion of their turf. They are already overworked trying to police an area so inundated by natives with barely enough sense to walk across the street without being squashed by a retiree from New Jersey or a snow bird from Canada. The annual “econundrum” of spring break has befuddled many a Cretonian politician and lawman over the last few decades.

This year however, Bay County Sheriff Bubba Polyps has come up with a novel solution to perennial problem of drunken and sex-crazed cretinous youth: mobile detention cages set up at strategic intervals along “The World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

The network of enclosures or “human corrals” is loosely based on the highly successful dog-pen style cells made famous by the Nazis and used by the federal government at Guantanamo Bay. After the law-breaking vacationers are captured by the forces of good, the offending parties are first blasted with fire hoses from various volunteer fire departments along the beach in order to remove any lingering beer, suntan oil, semen, or other excess bodily fluids. The unfortunate captives are then deloused using 1950’s vintage DDT powder leftover from Cold War civil defense stocks. After being segregated by sexual preference, the cretins are then placed in the paddocks until they sober up.

Sheriff Polyps got the idea for the “human corrals” when he experienced an epiphany while watching news coverage of Guantanamo Bay. He stated, “If those dog cages can hold dangerous Mooslim terrorists for a decade without any charges being brought, well then, they ought to work for them unruly bastard kids from our neighboring states.”

After a “cooling off” period, during which the kids are subjected to the blazing rays of a melanoma-producing sun, the dangerous criminals are then transported via cattle movers to more permanent camps within the dark and mysterious interior of Cretonia. The camps are said to be located in the center of vast fetid swamps populated by alligators, venomous snakes, and black bear. After an appropriate period of time during which parents of the prisoners are kept in the dark about the location and condition of their miscreant offspring, officials from the county then will make offers for release as long as a bounty of between $500 to $5000, depending on the severity of the “crime,” is paid into a slush fund used to purchase drones, automatic weapons, and luxury automobiles to be used by the sheriff’s department. Local politicians are also authorized to dip into the fund in order to finance junkets to the nearby Ebro Dog Track. Those unfortunate detainees that do not come from wealthy families and do not pay the “fines” are likely to end up like many of the “students” at the infamous Florida School for Boys.

During one of Sheriff Polyps’ hundreds of self-serving television appearances he explained how he got the idea for the revolutionary new method of controlling the kids. “Well, I done got the idea from watching file footage of that all-inclusive resort where we keep them Mooslim terrorists down in Cuber. I thought to myself, here’s the solution to the problem of all them Yankee kids from Birmingham and Atlanta coming down here and runnin’ around drunk and half nekkid on our purty beaches. Hell, we got enough ugly ass folks down here in the first place! I just don’t see how they can stand to live up there. I got as far as Montgomery one time and had to turn around cause all the concrete just freaked me right out.”

Any parents who do not pay the required bounty within a “reasonable period of time” are more than welcome to come down and visit their kid after spring break is over. A nominal visitation fee of $50 will be charged at the gate.

The new system of mobile miniature concentration camps is now in place and has been reaping great rewards. During the first weekend of operation, over 3500 teenage delinquents have been rounded up and imprisoned for such vile and heinous crimes as wearing wet tee shirts, failing to pay cover charge at The Spinnaker, and smiling and laughing too much. The county has managed to rake in over $10,000 in fines and bribes in this short period alone, and politicians all over Cretonia have proclaimed the new system a great success. Representatives from Walmart and The Dollar Store are currently meeting with government officials to coordinate plans for new “get out of detention” gift cards that will sold in stores nationwide so that anxious parents can purchase them to give to their kids before they depart for spring break festivities. The cards will imprinted with an artist’s depiction of a lugubrious skeletal prisoner staring out from behind a chain link fence with the caption, “I lost 30 lbs while vacationing on the Emerald Coast.”

Satan Plans “Immaculate Reception” For Pastor Fred Phelps

RIVER STYX-Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared at a hastily called press conference this morning to announce plans for a gala reception party for the former pastor of Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps. Phelps’ son Nate announced the news of Daddy-O’s imminent demise on his Facebook page Saturday night.

The dim-witted and criminally insane Pastor Phelps founded the infamous “God Hates Fags” church in Topeka, Kansas back in 1955. Phelps, who has always struggled with his own sexual identity, expressed his extreme insecurity by rabidly attacking all things gay. However, Phelps seemingly bottomless reservoir of hatred has not been solely aimed at homosexuals. Throughout Phelps’ life he has been an equal-opportunity miscreant. Phelps has led countless putrid and disgusting public protests against Jewish organizations, the Marine Corps, and at numerous soldier’s funerals. The good Pastor Phelps has garnered just about every abomination award one could imagine.

Lord Balthazar opened the brief presser by graciously thanking journalists for interrupting their normal Sunday schedule in order to attend. “I want to thank you all for coming down on such short notice. I’ll get you back to the Sunday shows as fast as I can.”

The unhinged and malevolent Pastor Phelps in happier times.

Balthazar paused for effect and then said, “Well guys and gals, I can tell you that there has not been this much anticipation around here since Hitler locked himself in the bunker under the Reich Chancellery in 1945! We really look forward to the arrival of Pastor Phelps. His Majesty Lord Lucifer told me that he has constructed ‘a whole theme park of red delights’ for the good pastor,” said Balthazar. “We really want to devote a great deal of time and energy to the torture of his immortal soul. The Prince of Darkness has really outdone himself this time. I have not seen such a burst of creativity out of him since John Wayne Gacy died back in 1994.”

Lord Balthazar told reporters that Phelps will be fitted with a radioactive capsicum butt plug upon arrival. “And that’s just the beginning. We have some experts from the SS, the NKVD, and the Spanish Inquisition all gearing up to take turns on old Fred. We want to give every group equal time, so we plan to rotate the torturers at the close of each millennium,” said Balthazar. “During the breaks between sessions we’ll toss Freddie into the Lake of Fire or have his liver torn out by vultures.”

Balthazar closed the briefing by thanking the reporters again and said, “As delighted and excited as we are by Pastor Phelps’ imminent arrival, I don’t want any of you to think that we will be ignoring our normal duties. There will still be plenty of demons available to possess and control all the usual suspects, like the anchors and pundits on Fox News. Have a nice day.”

Pastor Phelps is said to be spending his last few hours at Midland Hospice in Topeka. One can only hope that he is currently experiencing one tenth of the pain and suffering he has caused thousands of American citizens over the years.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Six)

If you have always been insecure because of your small penis, or you have impure thoughts about other men, go hunting as much as possible. Murder as many innocent animals as you possibly can without giving a second thought to their suffering. This will make you feel like more of a stud as you guzzle your cheap Horse Urine brand beer at the neighborhood dive. Remember, animals are only on earth to be senselessly killed for sport by cretins like you, and watching them die painful deaths will help you sort out your mental problems.

Kudzu works miracles in the fight against erosion. If you own property, plant as much of it as you can. Remember that it can used to make tasty salads and can be weaved together to make emergency descent ladders for high rises. Don’t worry about it ever being susceptible to blight, because it is so noxious that even goats won’t give it a second look.

If your neighbor’s plants encroach so much as a centimeter across your property line, don’t waste time asking her to trim them. You have more important things to do than wasting your time talking to that bitch. Instead, dress in dark clothing head to toe and blacken your face before going outside after midnight. Jump the fence and apply a carefully mixed solution of diesel fuel, Roundup, and radioactive salt around the base of the offending plants or trees. No one needs know that you are to blame for the resulting moonscape and high incidence of rare cancerous tumors in the neighborhood. The inconsiderate bastards should have respected your property line in the first place.

Chain saws can be fun and useful tools. Always choose a large, powerful model for minor backyard plant maintenance, especially if you need to hold it above your head to prune hard to reach branches. Use an inexpensive old-fashioned wooden ladder for the really high branches. Remember, you need to keep a tidy yard in order to impress the neighbors.

Choosing a mate may be the most important decision you make in life. If you are a woman, be sure to choose a man who you can easily dominate and browbeat into conforming with your deranged obsession with cleanliness and order. If you are a man, choose a dim-witted woman who will stay in the damn kitchen or in the bedroom. Women should keep their mouths shut and give birth to your spawn.

Develop a debilitating and embarrassing tic which surfaces when loved ones or friends do not go along with your ridiculous plans or accede to your demands regarding pathological cleanliness and organization. Have panic attacks and blood pressure spikes when anyone moves a piece of furniture two inches in order to have a better view of the big game.

Always purchase the smallest plastic containers available in order to keep the harsh artificial beverage you are imbibing as fresh as possible. This is especially true for the “spring water” you drink that really comes from some retention pond in West Virginia. Remember, all that counts is your convenience. Who cares what the oceans will look like after you are dead? Enjoy life to its fullest while you are here.

People should respectful of all the countless hours you spend cleaning and re-cleaning your home. If some moronic child who is visiting your home for Thanksgiving dinner spills a drop of gravy on your Persian rug, you should act swiftly and decisively. Quietly get up from the table, go to your bedroom closet, and return packing a machine gun-grenade launcher combo. Stand in the doorway and quietly state, “Say hello to my little friend.” Then blast the fuck out of the entire room while screaming “I am Tony Montana!” over and over again. That’ll teach the little brat.

If you leave a party after a few drinks, your goal should be to spend as little time as possible on the road, because you constitute a danger to other drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists. Therefore you should drive like a bat out of hell straight home. This will reduce the total time you spend on the highway. Remember, don’t be selfish. Think of your community first.

If you are in a foreign country while on vacation, it is always best to blend in with the locals and follow their customs. You don’t want to be the ugly American and insult your gracious hosts. For example, if you are walking down the street and masked men start firing machine guns in the air, grab a rifle and join in! They will appreciate your enthusiasm. Later on when things quiet down, be sure to renounce your religion and accept Islam. Remember, “when in Rome do as the Romans do.” U.S. Government authorities will understand. They are very forgiving of such behavior.

Management tip of the week: If you are a small or medium size business owner you are the backbone of America, at least according to every idiot politician that has every drawn breath. America’s success depends on your success. Therefore, you should treat your employees as if they were serfs from the 14th century. It is not enough that they work hard to get the job done. Demand absolute fealty from every one of them. Before hiring anyone, even to do menial labor, run extensive background checks on their credit and criminal history. Have each new hire visit a psychiatrist in order to start building up a file on his or her psychological traits. Look for weaknesses that you may be able to exploit later in their careers. Do your best to try to control their thoughts and actions at home as well as at work. A good start is to demand that all of your workers subscribe to the same religious hocus pocus that you do. Also, remember that drug and alcohol abuse can be a problem with the overworked and underpaid peasant class in the United States. Therefore, you should hire a company to drug test each employee every fucking day just as the sun comes over the horizon. Your workers will enjoy the extra attention provided by someone staring at their genitals at dawn. For suspect employees this should also include blood and tissue samples. Remember, key personnel should be scrutinized  like Saudi Arabian students with expired visas applying for flight school. All management level employees should wear ankle monitors so you can keep track of their positions 24 hours a day. These important members of your staff should be made to join the same wacked-out church you attend and should also be supervised closely on election day to make certain they vote for same the wingnut freak that you support. Always keep in mind that you are taking all the risks by owning your own business. Therefore, there is no demand that you can make of your employees that is too ridiculous. All the extra attention will make them feel important and they will love you for it. Remember, you have been empowered by the Almighty to make this world a better place through capitalism, so don’t let America down.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Satan Said To Be “Absolutely Delighted” By Academy Award Winners

Lucifer only had time for a photo-op and a brief statement thanking the Academy for the Oscars and congratulating his minions at Disney for all their hard work.

The Prince of Darkness was in a rush to get back to work because of his hectic schedule. He did however spend an inordinate amount of time in the men’s room.

RIVER STYX-Mephistopheles made a rare appearance at the Academy Awards Show on March 2nd in order to thank the Academy and to show his appreciation for all the hard work put in by his lackeys at Disney. Frozen, Disney’s latest propaganda tool, took home the coveted Best Animated Film Designed to Make Children Choose a Degenerate Homosexual Lifestyle Oscar as well as the Oscar for Best Achievement in Music Written for a Motion Picture Promoting Bestiality and Debased Sexual Practices.

Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary and aide to the Prince of Darkness told reporters, “His Majesty does not usually make public his connections with various studios and production companies. However, this time he decided to make an exception because he was so pleased with the outcome of the Oscar balloting. His friends in Hollywood really came through for us this time.”

Pastor Kevin Swanson in the midst of a cerebrovascular accident, commonly known as a stroke. He often has minor strokes during his sermons, which explains the extensive brain damage he has to overcome on a daily basis.

“Besides”, Balthazar continued, “that brain-damaged lunatic Swanson had already gone public with our involvement. We really prefer to work our magic in more mysterious ways and keep in the background, but recent revelations made by that imbecile exposed our working relationship with the good people at Disney. Swanson really is an insightful genius on par with Einstein or Bill Buckley. He seems to be able to see through our schemes like it was child’s play,” said Balthazar, rolling his eyes.

Pastor Swanson made the world aware of Beelzebub’s vile and heinous infiltration of Disney on his international blockbuster right-wing Christian talk show. It is carried on more than three radio stations worldwide, so literally hundreds of people are now aware of Mephistopheles’ pernicious cooperation with the perverts who directed and produced Frozen.

Pastor Swanson as he appears to anyone who made it past sixth grade.

Pastor Swanson stated, “Friends, this is evil, just evil. I wonder if people are thinking ‘You know I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way’. The dullard Swanson went on to postulate that the Devil made his first inroads at Disney in the eighties when perverted homosexual swine first started to come out of the closet. “Homosexuals make a choice to live a sinful and degrading life. They are all doomed to eternal hellfire and they should be kept away from kids at all costs. Why, I can remember when I was five years old and rationally weighed the consequences of choosing a gay lifestyle. I shudder to think what my decision could have been had films like Frozen been around way back then.”

Lucifer has always adored little kids. In fact he claims that the “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally his. This is a scale model of his new child-friendly monument to be placed on the capitol grounds in Oklahoma City.

Lord Balthazar told reporters that now that the Satanic cat is out of the bag, his boss Diabolus, Lord of Darkness and King of Hell, will take a much more active and public part in Disney’s productions. “I think he feels he has received so much bad press over the years that it’s time to ‘come out of the closet,’ so to speak. He has written a script for an animated film about a cute family of jackals that kidnaps and devours an infant in some sort of ceremony designed to delay the Second Coming. It’s loosely based on the story of Lindy Chamberlain, whose child had an unfortunate encounter with a dingo while camping in Australia. It’s an absolutely hilarious script, and we hope it will encourage kids to have sex with jackals and other canids. Lord Apollyon really is a sweet and talented guy who loves kids and only wants the best for them, and I feel he has been misunderstood for aeons. With his intelligence and cutting wit, I think the future for Disney looks bright indeed.”

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Five)

If something trivial occurs that upsets your cleaning and reorganizing regimen, don’t get too stressed out about it. For example, if some idiot interrupts your day with news that a relative or close friend has had a life-threatening coronary, breathe deeply, relax, and go to your “happy place:” the dirt and microbe-free living quarters of Moon Base Alpha, on the lifeless surface of the moon.

Life is like a brief flicker of light between two eternities of darkness, so you should learn to be a good time manager. Use up as much of it as you can cleaning your house over and over again and having arguments with loved ones over how to properly load the dishwasher.

Always wait until around noon to prune your palm trees. The blinding light from our nearest star will aid in your efforts to see the stalks.

Dangerous microorganisms are literally everywhere and pose a constant threat to your very survival. A spoonful of Lysol with your morning coffee can keep you healthy and help fight off disease.

Much has been reported lately about the need for good colon health. Research shows that coating your food with a high quality weed killer such as Roundup can prevent the growth of harmful flora in your large intestine.

We live in a very dangerous world and there are Muslim terrorists under every rock in America. Therefore you should try your best to get your homeowner’s association to purchase a fully armed Predator drone for neighborhood defense. If you are outvoted, or people treat you as if you are mentally disturbed, call them “a bunch of faggoty-ass pussies” and storm out. Come to the next meeting armed to the teeth and disguised as George Zimmerman. They’ll get the message.

Stubbornly refuse to enter the modern era by insisting on the use of 1950’s technology to rearrange the dirt on your floors. Newfangled gadgets such as computers, cell phones, and Swifters will cause the downfall of western civilization.

When planning a vacation, spend weeks scheduling every minute that you are away so that you can get the most value for your travel dollar. Run frantically from tourist trap to tourist trap like Mick Jagger on amphetamines. Try to see every historical site with 100 miles of your route. Come home from your journey so confused and exhausted that you have no idea where the fuck you have been.

Always remember that landscapes do not reach their full potential until concrete is poured. Beautiful views should be seen from the 8th floor of a condo complex.

Precious real estate should be used efficiently. Packing as many people as possible into every square block makes perfect sense. The Soviets knew this and we should follow their example.

Try to micromanage everyone you come in contact with, whether they be relatives, friends, or business associates. People really love this and will be grateful for your guidance. The world should benefit from your superior knowledge and insightful opinions.

Management tip of the week: If an employee or child under your supervision fucks up, the best thing to do is mercilessly humiliate them in front of their peers. If they are of a different race or gender, be sure to use bigoted slurs whenever possible. Yell at them at maximum volume when doing this. This will teach them a lesson they will not soon forget, and the more people who know about it, the better. You deserve the respect of everyone you come in contact with, even if they are complete strangers.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Jesus Forced To Retreat After Skirmish With Forces of “Big Gay” Outside Phoenix

Routed by a small but enlightened army of angry hair stylists and set designers, Jesus berated the Archangel Michael for “piss poor planning.” He is seen here retreating on his trusty rapturesaurus, “Clyde.”

Bryan Fischer warns his vast nationwide audience of over 300 elderly white listeners of the dangers of offering equal rights to anyone who disagrees with his interpretation of the Bible

PHOENIX-The “forces of light,” led by Jesus Christ, suffered a humiliating setback yesterday outside Phoenix, Arizona when they were routed by “the forces of darkness,” led by the recently deceased Ian McKlellan. The sizable contingent of redneck religious zealots was sent scurrying back to the relative safety of the Arizona state senate chambers after a brief skirmish with a small but intelligent and highly motivated force of gay rights advocates.

Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, conservative radio talk show host, and imbecilic bigot, had predicted just such an outcome less than a week ago on his blockbuster hit show “Focal Point.” On Thursday March 6th, the Prophet Fischer had proclaimed that the future of America and the world would be determined by “whether the forces of light or darkness will prevail in the battle over special rights based on sexually deviant behavior.” Fischer went on to declare that “everywhere that ‘Big Gay’ gains ground, Christ is forced to retreat.”

Fischer as he appears to anyone with an IQ over 55

Fischer, unsure of his own sexuality and long a champion of oppression and discrimination targeting gays, minorities, and the poor, went on to assert that the future of the entire planet hinges on beating back the forces of progress, societal enlightenment and equal treatment under the law. Fischer warned that “if the forces of sexual deviancy prevail…every part of our culture will be corrupted, it will be contaminated beyond repair and America…will plunge the world into an abyss of darkness and depravity.”

Although rarely correct about anything at all, Fischer seems to have hit the nine inch nail on the head this time. It seems that a poorly led and disorganized divine militia was no match for the masterfully led and motivated force it was up against outside Phoenix.

General Ian McKellan based his battle plan on General Robert E. Lee’s masterpiece at Chancellorsville in 1863

General McKlellan, affectionately referred to as “Gandy” by his troops, based his plan of battle on Lee’s masterpiece, the battle of Chancellorsville. He used two divisions of hair stylists, servers, and set designers flown in on chartered flights from Atlanta and Los Angeles to pin down Christ’s superior numbers while he sent interior designers mounted on catering trucks on a flank march to his left. The route of the mobile force was obscured from view by one of Phoenix’s empty and overgrown neighborhoods abandoned after the housing collapse.

Unaware of the danger to their flank and rear,  Jesus and the Archangel Michael were busy leading futile charges against McKlellan’s well dug in troops. A special squad of combat engineers and part-time choreographers had designed an elaborate trench system that Jesus’ pickup-mounted rednecks simply could not penetrate.

Jesus tried to rally his troops with the help of Corporal Ted Cruz and his rangers, known as the “Texas Gay Bashers”

The interior designers finally reached their jumping-off points near dusk. Letting out a blood-curdling, high-pitched, and rather effeminate version of the Rebel yell, they pounced on the right flank and rear of Jesus’ divine militia. The result was chaos, panic, and extreme sexual insecurity within the ranks of the redneck army. Despite mule-headed and senseless resistance on the part of a small group of hard-core Tea Party agitators led by Corporal Ted Cruz, the entire throng of Neanderthals was forced into a hasty, embarrassing retreat back inside the gates of Phoenix.

Down but not out, Jesus vowed to continue the battle at a later date. Sources tell us that the Archangel Michael will be replaced as second in command by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) who is known for his bloodthirsty destruction of cities and ability to turn humans into pillars of iodized salt.

A dejected Jesus returns to Phoenix aboard his backup ride, the messiahraptor “Armageddon’

The battle was reviewed ad nauseam on Fox News channel for 24 hours straight before the network got back to its normal cycle of continuous irrational pounding of Obamacare. On Special Report with Bret Baier, Charles Krauthammer criticized the leadership of the “forces of light” during the nightly segment “Panneau de Cretins.”

The lugubrious Krauthammer opined, “This is what happens when you have spineless, namby-pamby left-wing leadership. I mean, who is going to respect Jesus as a military leader after all that liberal “turn the other cheek” tripe in the New Testament? McKlellan is going to continue to run over him like Putin is doing to Obama in Crimea right now. We need to recruit someone with some grit and determination if we are going to win this all-battle against gay rights. I hear Mephistopheles is available. Maybe we can recruit him to run in 2016.”

Bryan Fischer had a childlike hissy-fit and then descended into deep depression after the battle

“Clyde,” Jesus’ trusty rapturesaurus, was captured during the battle and transported back to Atlanta where his captors intend to give him a complete makeover. “I think he would look just divine in purple feathers,” said Sid Marino, owner of Sid’s Chic Salon on Peachtree Street

Bryan Fischer is said to have had some sort of mental breakdown after the results of the battle were announced. He is said to be in deep depression and has retreated to a buried shipping container somewhere in Idaho. Foreseeing this possibility, his aides stocked the container with weapons, dehydrated beans, and survivalist pamphlets long ago.

Kim Jong-un Elected MP: Scrapes By With 100% Of Vote

Dennis Rodman, Kim’s public relations manager in the United States, congratulates the Dear and Giving Leader during a gala post-election party at campaign headquarters

PYONGYANG-All of North Korea is abuzz with joy today as it has been confirmed that the country’s “Dear, Sweet, Forgiving and Athletically Gifted Leader,” Kim Jong-un, was elected to the Supreme Peoples Assembly with nearly 100% of the vote yesterday. The only dissenting vote came from Kim’s opposition in the race, an 82-year-old mentally disturbed farmer from a remote rural province who had recently been transferred to a mental health clinic in Kim’s district.

Mr Kim celebrates with adoring fans from his elite “Napalm and White Phosphorous Airborne Assault Squadron”

Civic leaders, community organizers, and politicians in the U.S. turned green with envy as it was reported that there was 100% turnout in the election. ‘This is the way elections should be run,” yelled Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. “None of those liberal cry-babies opposing good old common sense for Mr. Kim! No sir! I’ll have to say that ‘the folks’ in North Korea really came out on top this time!”

The “Dearest and Most Magnanimous Perfect Specimen of Manhood Leader” celebrated the victory by partying all night with Dennis Rodman, his P.R. man in America, and approximately 27 members of his specially trained all female “stress-relief” squad. The “Handsome Forthright Charming Incorruptible Leader” rewarded his over two million volunteer campaign workers by giving them each an extra food ration for the day which consisted of one slice of bread and a 16 oz container of Despotic Springs Sparkling Water, which is proudly bottled by political prisoners in Hamhung, North Korea’s “Second City.”

Kim’s Alsatians are seen here getting warmed up for their performance at the gala victory celebration. They managed to tear the opposition candidate apart in a record 9.6 seconds.

Im Insane, Kim’s opposition in the race, garnered only one vote; his own. As the main event at Kim’s victory party at campaign headquarters, Mr. Insane and his campaign manager, a ferret named ‘Lucky,’ were devoured alive by Kim’s beloved pets, a pack of around 100 vicious and half-starved Alsatians. The Alsatians made short work of Mr. Insane despite being exhausted from a busy week of tearing dissidents limb from limb. Only the day before they had been tasked with dismembering two trade union agitators, three Christian missionaries, and a point guard from who missed an easy lay-up in the annual North Korean Army-Navy basketball game.

The “Most Wonderful and Sexually Proficient Gift To North Korean Women Leader” Mr. Kim is said to be planning a vacation to celebrate his victory and get some much-needed rest and relaxation. Stops are planned in Damascus and Tehran to study some unique and innovative forms of detainment and torture. The more than three dozen Mrs. Kims are expected to accompany him on his travels.