Winter Storm Update: Scores Of Cretins Found Comatose As Meth Supply Dwindles Across The Southeast

PANAMA CITY, FLORIDA-Government officials are becoming alarmed by the increasing number of citizens found sound asleep in their cars, on their lawns, and in a variety of public places around Greater Cretonia. It seems that the region’s drug users and suppliers are not immune to the paralyzing effects of Winter Storm Leon.

The Bay County Sheriff’s department has reported at least 249 instances of residents found asleep in odd places in the last 24 hours alone. Thousands more have been sighted in rural areas around the southeast.

Sheriff’s department spokesman Billy Bob Scrotum spoke with CNN early this morning: “It’s crazy as hell out there. We’ve found folks asleep behind the wheel of their pickups, ATV’s, aluminum bass boats, and even on old Schwinn bicycles. We’ve found comatose junkies halfway out of their trailers and in their yards. We even found one dude curled up next to the pink flamingo beside his work shed. The neighbors said he kept asking it for a syringe before passing out. One girl fell asleep halfway from her car to the door of the CVS down on the corner of Robert E. Lee Avenue and Jeff Davis Memorial Parkway. Frankly we are at a loss for what to do here. We simply do not have enough cells to house all these nuts.” Deputy Scrotum was then called away to the site of the 6th exploding trailer of the morning.

CNN also interviewed Billy Wayne “Shakes” Snodgrass, a highly respected “chef” and founder of the ‘Two Men and a Meth Lab’ franchise so popular in rural America. “I want all of my loyal customers out there to know that help is on the way. We have set our carefully planned and organized Meth Relief Plan in motion. I have mobilized all of our dealers who own horses and mules and we will be making deliveries as soon as possible. I know the weather has made it impossible for all you amateurs to get to the drug store for supplies, but always remember we are there for you. Try to stay awake until we arrive and have your cash or stolen electronics ready. A special note for our female customers, I’m sorry but we just won’t have time to trade powder for sex until the authorities get off their asses and clear the roads.”

Temperatures across Cretonia are expected to rise in the next few days which should make supply runs possible for suffering addicts. The only problem will be waking them up from deep comas as many of them have gone for several years without sleep of any kind.

Fox News: “Thousands Dead Of Hypothermia Across The Southeast-Obamacare To Blame”

NEW YORK-Fox News Channel continued its relentless attack on Obamacare this morning by blaming Winter Storm Leon on the Affordable Care Act. On the “coffee klatch” Fox News program Fox and Friends, aka Tres Idiotas, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was interviewed and gave the far-right Neandertal take on the events of the last 24 hours.

Cruz said “This tragedy across the southeast highlights the dangers of socialism in general and Obamacare in particular. Thousands of people were frozen alive in their vehicles after they ran out of gas on interstates, and tens of thousands more were trapped at work or at schools. I have it on good authority (Pat Robertson) that Winter Storm Leon represented the wrath of God aimed at the citizens of the southeast for allowing Obamacare to pass without seceding from the Union and going to war.”

With the three dim-witted hosts nodding agreement, Senator Cruz continued: “If America has any chance at all to survive the disasters that are in store for us in near future, it is vitally important that I be elected President so I can repeal Obamacare by executive order and do away with health care for the poor once and for all. I also see no need for Medicare, Medicaid, or Social Security. Pat told me that he has been informed by the Almighty that if Americans can’t fend for themselves, the next disaster will be a meteor the size of Rhode Island impacting the mid-section of our country. We just can’t take that risk.”

Senator Cruz then excused himself as aides dressed in hospital scrubs escorted him off the set.

National Weather Service To Residents Of Birmingham: “You Are Absolutely Correct. We Are Unable To Locate Our Ass Even When Using Both Hands.”

BIRMINGHAM-As Birmingham, Alabama descends into utter chaos reminiscent of the zombie apocalypse in World War Z, residents of the city wonder why they were given little or no warning of the winter storm currently ravaging the area. Kids are stuck at school, adults stuck at work, and major highways are scenes of complete pandemonium as ice and snow paralyze travel. The “weather event” was predicted to begin much further south and give ample warning of its approach. That is not how it has worked out at all, much to the distress of the citizens of Jefferson County and at least one unfortunate Weather Channel employee.

Authorities are pleading for calm as scattered reports of violence are coming in from around the area. A local station in Birmingham is reporting that a Weather Channel field reporter was dragged from in front of a camera team and nailed to a large oak on a hill overlooking Interstate 65 just south of the city limits. Bobby Joe Smegma, a witness to the event, stated “One of those idiots from the Weather Channel was grinning and stating the obvious, like they always do, and a crowd of folks whose cars were stuck in the ice started to gather around. He was going on and on about how ‘no one knew this was coming’ and ‘look, it’s still coming down!’ and it was just too much for the crowd to take. People started to yell ‘lynch him!’ and he thought they were kidding. They were not kidding. Two big trucker dudes dragged the guy over to the tree and held him there while three pissed-off housewives nailed him in place. It was hilarious.”

Local governments in and around north Alabama find themselves in the unusual circumstance of being upstaged by their usually woefully incompetent counterparts 250 miles to the south, along the Gulf Coast. Schools are closed there and law enforcement entities are on high alert in preparation for the same storm that is expected to arrive there tonight. Always willing to lend a helping hand, Florida Governor Rick Scott has offered to send armored units of the Florida National Guard north into Alabama to clear the roads of vehicles and loitering pedestrians through the use of high explosive rounds and flame-throwing tanks. Scott has ordered Warthog ground-attack aircraft at Eglin Air Force Base to be armed with Vietnam-era napalm canisters to scorch the interstates free of ice if necessary. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has declined the offer for the time being.

For its part the National Weather Service and The Weather Channel have issued a joint communique begging the citizens of Alabama for understanding and forgiveness. “We are very sorry for any inconvenience our inability to do our job has caused. In the future we hope to do better and let you guys know a little bit ahead of time when Armageddon is about to come down on your heads.”

Both the Weather Service and The Weather Channel have displayed the correct amount of remorse given the situation. However, the traditional meteorological disaster toga party will go on as planned at Weather Channel Headquarters in Atlanta tonight. No doubt we will begin to see the inevitable results of this shindig four to five months from now when the female anchors start to show. The last major surprise blizzard to hit the south back in the early 90’s is credited with the production of seven zygotes at the Weather Channel alone.

Florida Declares Martial Law Ahead Of Advancing Cold Front

TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott has declared martial law throughout Greater Cretonia after the National Weather Service predicted a slight drop in temperatures, some minor icing, and possible snow flurries in parts of northern Florida. Police and fire departments, hospitals, schools, and strip clubs are gearing up for the extreme conditions that are expected to arrive sometime Tuesday. National Guard troops, sheriff’s deputies, and local policemen have been put on high alert and warned that they may face extended duty for several weeks.

At an emotional press conference earlier today, a tearful Governor Scott stated “We Floridians intend to ‘Stand Our Ground’ against this cold front, and I just want our citizens to have a fighting chance to survive the crescendo of doom that is building in our state. Those of you who have been around a while will remember that the last time it snowed in northwest Florida there were a number of tragic deaths. Cretins emerging from their mobile homes were struck and killed by vehicular traffic as they stared skyward in bewilderment, and those who made desperate bids to replenish beer supplies ended up causing pile-ups from Mobile to Jacksonville.”

Scott continued, “I have initiated our DEATHSTORM 2014 governmental and corporate action plan. All liquor stores should make sure inventories are sufficient to supply those few Floridians that are gainfully employed, in addition to their regular customers. Gentlemen’s clubs should call in all off-duty dancers and make sleeping arrangements for the girls out back or in supply rooms. Every Wal-Mart Supercenter should be prepared for a veritable tsunami of the elderly seeking milk and bread, and every retail outlet in the state should make sure that their fleet of Hoverounds is at full charge.”

An emotional Rick Scott at DEATHSTORM presser this morning

“As regards governmental preparedness, I have called out the National Guard and shifted those units with tracked vehicles to the north so as to better deal with the arctic conditions we expect at mid-week. I have also recalled approximately 50,000 of our over 300,000 probation officers and re-tasked them as snipers so that we’ll be ready to pick-off any looters trying to take advantage of this once in a lifetime meteorological event.”

Scott wiped a tear from his eye and concluded the press conference by saying, “With the help of God and your lovable and honest  state and local officials, we can make it through this crisis. We Floridians know what it’s like to endure hardship because we subject ourselves to it every day. Hurricane Andrew,  the Challenger disaster, the 2000 presidential election, our lousy schools and archaic legal system, all of these things have toughened us up and prepared us for this approaching cataclysm. God bless you and God bless the state of Florida!”

“Daddy, Why Are Dogs So Much Better Than Human Beings?”

“Daddy, why are dogs so much better than human beings?”

“Because son, dogs aren’t raised to look down on other dogs or people because they are of a different race, religion, social status, or because they are poor. Besides, dogs are able to lick their own genitals, which reduces stress and makes life much less complex.”

“Thanks Dad. That makes perfect sense.”

“Anytime, son.”

“Ordinarily I Am Insane, But In Rare Lucid Moments I Am Merely Stupid”

DALLAS-Former Fox News personality, radio talk show host, and dangerously unhinged humanoid Glenn Beck announced Tuesday that demonic forces were derailing his attempts to get cable providers to carry his television network, The Blaze. Beck was on ‘Washington Watch’ with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council when he revealed the stunning news.

Mr. Beck was promoting his “Get The Blaze Day of Action” campaign in which wingnuts such as himself are encouraged to phone their cable providers and “demand” they carry Beck’s nutty television network. Beck’s network is world-renowned for misreporting, taking quotes out of context and complete fabrications. Among other things, The Blaze will sometimes report unusual events as being “miracles.” “If we are going to print it or we are going to say it, it’s either a miracle or it’s not. I believe in miracles. Do we believe in miracles or not? As a company we do, as a nation we used to, and if we are going to survive we must,” said Beck.

Later, Beck complained and seemed to be despondent over the fact that more enthusiasm had not been shown for his hard work. He appeared incredulous that cable providers are not jumping at the chance to pick up his network. He claimed that it had nothing to do with the screwball content of his shows, but “hidden forces” were preventing his success. “You also have other forces at work that aren’t necessarily earthly forces that would like to see voices silenced,” said Beck.

We at the Times-Picayune wondered about this claim and decided to fact-check it. We had our Underworld correspondent Bruce Coyote phone Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar and ask him directly if demons had been dispatched to interfere with Mr. Beck’s efforts.

Lord Balthazar stated, “Beck, no, not that I know of, but let me check my iPad. You know you’re lucky to catch me ’cause I’m running late. I’m on my way over to the River Styx Welcome Center to make another damn speech to some new arrivals. We seem to be flooded with lawyers and politicians this time of year, and it’s a bitch getting them all through condemned soul orientation classes. Ok, here it is. Beck, Glenn. Nope, no interference with business plans at all. It says here that the only demons assigned to Beck are the guys he’s always had possessing his mind. Apparently His Majesty Mephistopheles believes they should be sufficient to foil any attempts Mr. Beck makes to be taken seriously.”

His Lordship continued, “It says here that those mental demons are doing such a good job that Beck is slowly fading into insignificance, and who could argue that point? I mean the guy has not had a coherent thought in years. All those conspiracy theories and revisionist histories, they really crack us up! I really cannot wait to meet the guy in person. He should liven things up around here.”

Apparently Mr. Beck has been up to his old tricks weaving a conspiracy where none exists. We at the Times-Picayune are of the opinion that Mr. Beck should now and forever give up on expanding into cable and the only miracle he should ever report is that he is still on the air at all.
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Jubilant New Yorkers Throng Times Square After Sean Hannity Announces Imminent Departure

NEW YORK-An estimated crowd of over 200,000 people crowded Times Square and surrounding areas yesterday as word leaked out that Fox News personality and insane person Sean Hannity intends to depart New York and set up camp in the Bible Belt. Hannity made the announcement during a nonsensical rant on his radio program Monday afternoon. The public only found out about the announcement yesterday morning because so few New Yorkers actually listen to the program.

Hannity was responding to comments made by Governor Andrew Cuomo concerning extreme right-wing lunatics and most New Yorker’s desire for them to live elsewhere. Hannity took umbrage to Cuomo’s remarks and said “I want you to know that I can’t wait to get out of here. I really can’t. I don’t want to pay their 10 percent tax anymore.” Hannity continued “I live in the second-highest property-taxed county in the entire country in  Nassau County. I can’t wait to pay no state income tax down in Florida or Texas.”

Hannity continued to rant and rave for the rest of the segment about how oppressive taxes were in New York. “Look, I only made about 24 million last year. By the time I pay federal, state, and local taxes, I barely take home enough to buy a loaf of bread each week. I’m sick of the government giving handouts to lazy poor people and minorities in the form of food stamps and healthcare.  It’s high time the top 1% in this country stood up for its rights. The government has no right to take my hard-earned money and use it to try to help the oppressed and downtrodden! It’s un-American,  counterproductive, and it’s just not the Christian thing to do. You’d never see Jesus hanging out trying to help the poor. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me.”

Although the citizens of New York were exultant over Hannity’s plans, the few intelligent beings inhabiting Florida and Texas were mortified.

“Just what we need,” said former governor Charlie Crist, “another right-wing miscreant moving to Florida. First Rush Limbaugh and now Sean Hannity. Who’s next, that brain-damaged psychopath Glenn Beck? What in God’s name did we do down here to deserve this?”

Nation In Shock Over 2014 Budget

WASHINGTON-Yesterday President Obama signed the $1.1 trillion spending bill that will fund the federal government until the end of September. The bill passed with large majorities in both houses of Congress, garnering widespread bipartisan support. The cooperation shown between the two opposing parties stunned most Americans.

“The lack of senseless bickering from both sides has left many Americans speechless,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity In Politics. “The public really does not know what to think about these people actually doing the job they were elected to do. Just when everyone thought that we had a dependable pattern of continuous gridlock caused by a small group of ignorant reactionaries, the rug gets pulled out from under us by this bipartisanship.”

Although most lawmakers were pleased that the country did not have to be embarrassed by another senseless government shutdown, a few were disappointed. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who since her election has consistently vied for the crown of “Most Vapid and Ignorant Living Politician,” stated “I just could not bring myself to vote for a bill that spent millions helping lazy poor people and at the same time failed to place the Ten Commandments in every public building in America.”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was said to be in so much distress over his waning influence that aides were forced to check him into an Austin mental health center where he is said to be suffering from clinical depression.

Tea Party representatives have vowed to continue the fight against bipartisanship and cooperation in Congress. Jenny Beth Martin, national coordinator for the vacuous Tea Party Patriots, stated “We may have lost this round, but we promise the American public that we will make a comeback in 2014. We’ll do our best to embarrass the country in the eyes of the world and we’ll strive to smother economic recovery through another government shutdown if at all possible.”

Right wing think tanks were also upset. The Club For Growth And Enrichment Of The One Percent issued a statement saying “This bill is fat with pork and handouts to the poorest and most oppressed Americans. It’s a disgrace. Subsidies should be reserved for large oil companies and Big Agriculture. If we continue down this road there will be nothing left for the wealthy!”

President Obama was pleased with the cooperation in Congress and praised the work and determination shown by lawmakers in both parties. He was smiling and joking as he signed the bill, which sent Fox News pundits into fits of pique not seen since he signed the Affordable Care Act.

One Cretin and a Funeral

TAMPA-A dispute over texting inside a crowded movie theater in Tampa, Florida ended in a shooting, leaving one man dead, his wife injured, and an ex-cop charged with murder. The incident occurred while the parties in question were viewing “Lone Survivor” at the Grove 16 Theaters in Wesley Chapel, north of Tampa.

According to eyewitnesses, the argument began when Curtis Reeves Jr., 71, an ex-Tampa police officer who is apparently insane, objected to 43-year-old Chad Oulson’s texting. The argument escalated when Oulson refused to do as commanded by Reeves and his wife. Reeves then left the theater briefly and returned. The debate resumed, voices were raised, and popcorn was thrown. The accused then whipped out a pistol and fired.

Oulson’s wife was hit in the hand as she tried to protect her husband. Oulson was hit in the chest and later died. A witness stated that Oulson said, “I can’t believe…” before collapsing. Neither can anyone else, Mr. Oulson.

Pasco County Sheriff Department spokesman Doug Tobin stated that “It ended almost as soon as it started.” He said that a “Good Samaritan” was able to disarm and hold the suspect until police arrived. Reeves has been charged with second-degree murder.

Tampa Police spokeswoman Laura McElroy said in a press release that Reeves retired in 1993 as a captain and was instrumental in forming the agency’s first tactical response team. After retirement Reeves worked security for Busch Gardens theme park and was on the board of a local Crime Stoppers organization. When asked if the Tampa Police Department was in the habit of hiring bloodthirsty homicidal maniacs and putting them in positions of power, McElroy replied, “Well of course, this is Florida you know.”

In a hastily called news conference Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association used the incident as an example of how a tragedy could have been averted if only “oppressive” gun-control laws were further relaxed. “This incident goes to show just how dangerous texting is, and every law-abiding citizen should be armed and ready to meet the threat” said LaPierre. “If everyone in that theater had been armed, including the small children, then this tragedy could have been avoided. You simply cannot bring popcorn to a gunfight and expect to win.” When asked by a reporter to clarify his statement because it made no sense, LaPierre replied, “I represent the NRA. I don’t have to make any sense!”

The tragedy that occurred in this movie theater may seem unbelievable to sane Americans, but when you live in a state that allows its citizens to legally gun-down unarmed civilians on a whim, incidents such as this become the new normal. The craziest part of the whole story is that detectives who interviewed the unhinged Mr. Reeves actually considered if he was justified under the “Stand Your Ground” law. Thank God they got it right this time and charged Reeves with murder.

Chad Oulson leaves behind a wife and a three-year-old daughter. He was a finance manager at Sky Power Sports in Port Richey and loved motocross, sports of all types,  and traveling. He was 43 years old.

Courageous Politicians Shrug Off West Virginia Chemical Spill

CHARLESTON-At press conference on Saturday, government officials and industry leaders told the citizens of West Virginia that the chemical spill causing so much consternation was really nothing to worry about. Speaking from the safety of the heavily fortified Robert Byrd Crisis Command Center deep below the capitol building, Governor Earl Ray Tomblin apologized to the public for any inconvenience that the “minor” spill had caused. He assured the citizens of West Virginia that although no one knew much about the nature of the chemical or how much had spilled, the effects on public health would be negligible.

The spill was made public on Thursday after reports from citizens of a “licorice-type” odor in the tap water of Charleston and the counties that surround it. Apparently the leak emanated from a 40,000 gallon holding tank at Freedom Industries on the banks of the Elk River, the source of drinking water for over 300,000 West Virginians. At first the company reported that the tank held Dawn dish-washing liquid for its lunch room clean up staff, but after dead fish began surfacing downstream, company spokesman Dr. Emelio Lizardo admitted that the tank contained 4-methylcyclohexane, a chemical used to cleanse coal.

Hundreds of thousands of residents have been warned not to drink, shower, cook, or clean with tap water until further notice. The West Virginia National Guard, FEMA, and private water companies are sending water tankers and bottled water into affected areas. As of today no one knows when the water will be safe to drink.

Governor Tomblin was quick to soothe public concerns over the spill. ” I want everyone to know that all of your hard-working elected officials are safe and have plenty of pure water to drink. This unfortunate slip-up will in no way hinder the normal functions of government. I want to state for the record that Freedom Industries and the coal industry in general are friends to both me and the good people of West Virginia. Freedom Industries and the Clean Coal Council have been leaders in the fight to keep the EPA and its business-killing regulations out of our fair state and I’m here to let everyone in West Virginia know that no one’s job is in jeopardy. We will continue to demolish picturesque mountaintops, pour toxic sludge into our streams and rivers, and pollute the atmosphere just as enthusiastically as we have done for the last fifty years. Our economy depends on it!”

Senator Joe Manchin (D-West Va) was unable to attend the presser as he was called away to Washington on urgent business as soon as it was apparent that he would have no drinkable water at his estate located in stylish Black Lung Gardens, a gated community outside Charleston. However, he did appear via secure video link, and had this to say: “I want to apologize for this unfortunate event but I know that we West Virginians are very resilient people and are used to all types of environmental degradation, so I know we can take it in stride. In the meantime, bottled water will be made available at the following locations: The Robert Byrd Research Library, The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Hospital, The Bob Byrd Central Post Office, The “Little Billy” Bird Memorial Animal Shelter, and any one of the over 200 Byrd’s Cash and Carry locations in and around Charleston.” Senator Manchin continued, “In the unlikely event that anyone needs spiritual counseling regarding the event, they may seek it at Our Lady of the Immaculate Pork Barrel Catholic Church, located adjacent to the Bobby Byrd Memorial Golf Course, on Robert Byrd Scenic Drive.”

President of Freedom Industries Gary Southern

The President of Freedom Industries, Mr. Gary Southern, was also present at the press conference, but it was almost impossible to hear his statement because he was completely encapsulated in a stylish personally tailored Saint-Gobain hazmat suit. Transcripts of his remarks were later distributed to reporters, and we have this excerpt: “We at Freedom Industries want to apologize for any inconvenience we have caused the people of West Virginia and any of their pets or farm animals that may have been contaminated. We have no earthly idea how this spill could have occurred, since we always observe only the most stringent safety measures. I want to reiterate what Governor Tomblin has already said in that we in the coal industry will continue to provide the extremely hazardous low paying jobs we have always provided the people of West Virginia. In response to some of the inquiries made earlier I’d like to introduce our safety officer, County Agent Hank Kimball. He has a prepared statement that should answer all your questions.”

Recent reports of huge flesh-eating amphibians living downstream from Freedom Industries have been ridiculed by public officials as being “flights of fancy” dreamed up by drunken fishermen

Mr. Kimball then took the podium and began a long and disorganized monologue about storage tanks, river water, and former Senator Robert Byrd. “We don’t know how much of the chemical spilled into the river, because we don’t know how much leaked out of the storage tank, and we really are not sure how much was in the tank to begin with,” said Kimball. “We don’t know a hell of a lot about the chemical in question, and don’t know why toxic substances were stored in massive decrepit tanks that appear to be suspended directly above the region’s only source of drinking water, the Elk River.” Mr. Kimball paused to wipe some pink sputum off his chin and then continued, “We do know that 4-methylcyclohexane helps us produce the high quality coal this country depends on to heat up the entire planet and make places like the Arctic Circle warmer and more inhabitable. I think we can all agree that is a good thing. We have made some calls to the company that produces the chemical, and sometime next week we should be able to shed more light on when it may be safe to drink the water again. Thank you very much for your patience.”

The last environmental group that ventured into West Virginia met with difficulties at the hands of the locals

Environmental advocates such as Greenpeace have for years warned of the damage done to the ecology of West Virginia by the coal industry but solid evidence has been hard to come by because entry into the region has been blocked by right-wing militias and groups of thugs hired by “Big Coal.” The last group of conservationists that entered the state and came out alive was in 1972, and even that group suffered one fatality. “It’s a really sad situation,” said Luna Willow, a representative of “Save the Mountaintops,” an environmentalist organization dedicated to preventing coal companies from literally reducing entire mountains to lifeless moonscapes. “I hope that this spill serves as a wake-up call to all Americans. If we don’t start taking care of our environment all of us will be drinking foaming agent just like the citizens of West Virginia.”

In November of last year West Virginia Attorney General filed a brief with the Supreme Court against the EPA regarding implementation of the Clean Air Act. Furthermore, Senator Joe Manchin has stated in the past that EPA regulations are unfairly hurting Appalachian coal mining.