A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Lose

Hysteria over the mythical “War On Christmas” reached a fever pitch at Fox News last week with multiple anchors and pundits becoming apoplectic over supposed threats to our most holy of holidays.

Anchor Megyn Kelly showed signs of losing her small mind during a discussion of Aisha Harris’ column in Slate. Harris had suggested that Santa could possibly be changed to a “race neutral” being such as a penguin. As we know, any suggestion of cultural or societal change in America is met with venomous and often incoherent outrage by Fox News personnel, and Kelly is no exception.

On her Wednesday show Kelly waxed ignorant on the subject: “For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But Santa is what he is.”

Kelly continued, “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa – I just want the kids watching to know that.”

Where does one begin to analyze this mess?

In the first place, Aisha Harris has to realize that the chances of replacing Santa with Penguin Claus are about as good as replacing the Easter Bunny with an avenging alien Xenomorph. Santa Claus is about as entrenched in American culture as Bill O’Reilly is at Fox News. He’s not going anywhere.

But Kelly’s reaction to the “Penguin Claus” suggestion was bordering on the insane. Not satisfied with criticizing Harris about Santa, she had to bring Jesus into the mix, claiming both were white guys. Kelly, like many Fox anchors, has a real problem discerning fact from fiction and conjecture. Both gentlemen in question, Saint Nicholas and Jesus of Nazareth, were born in areas of the world not particularly known for an abundance of white skinned, blonde, blue-eyed citizens, Kelly’s attempt to make them Aryans notwithstanding.

Kelly is not alone in her madness. Another Fox anchor, Gretchen Carlson, went ballistic over a “Festivus Pole” erected at the Cretonia Capitol in Tallahassee. She said, “Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, ‘Oh yeah kids, look. There’s Baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans!”

The most obvious answer to Gretchen is, “You don’t.” In fact, all of us would be grateful if you and your children stayed at home, where you will do the least amount of damage. And by the way, while you’re there you could enjoy a little PBR yourself. It might relieve a little tension and loosen you up.

All of this furor over some mythical “War On Christmas” is only designed to fill broadcast time at Fox while anchors take a breather from bashing Obamacare. It puts on display the insecurity of both the anchors and their overwhelmingly white, aging audience. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, Fox News lives in a world of pure fear and despair where every inconsequential change becomes a harbinger of a dystopian post-America apocalypse.

We realize that an ego the size of Manhattan is apparently a mandatory trait in order to be an anchor on any network in this day and age, but a little humility when one makes an idiot of oneself would be refreshing.

However, instead of apologizing for her rant, Kelly devoted an entire segment of her show on Friday to criticizing her detractors and letting us know how important and powerful both Fox News and Megyn Kelly really are. She accused her critics of race-baiting, among other things.

Say what?

As Baby Jesus’ supposed birth-date nears we will no doubt be treated to more of this insanity. It’s just a damn shame that Megyn could not stick to modeling swimsuits and lingerie instead of commenting on societal issues. She is far better equipped for the former pursuit.

In the immortal words of Dan Quayle, “What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.”

Related articles

• Megyn Kelly: Jesus and Santa were white (politico.com)
• Jon Stewart Mocks Megyn Kelly For Insisting Santa Claus Is ‘White’ (hollywoodlife.com)

Stockman Announces Candidacy for U.S. Senate

Tea Party darling and unhinged homophobe Steve Stockman has announced his candidacy for the Texas senate seat currently occupied by John Cornyn, one of the most powerful members of Congress.

Presently Stockman represents Texas’ 36th congressional district, just east of Houston. Known around Washington as “Hillbilly Frankenstein”, Stockman is famous for his outrageous comments, tweets, and antics on the House floor.

Stockman has a long and bizarre history in both Texas and D.C. The product of mid-20th century genetic experiments, Stockman began life in a remote village in Bolivia. He was patched together by refugee German scientists who fled Hitler’s Germany in early 1945. Body parts were obtained from the victims of right-wing death squads around South America.

Amphibian and reptile DNA was used to help weave together Stockman’s disparate parts. Scientists in the U.S. think that this fact has a lot to do with his incoherent outbursts and inability to reason. Stockman at times shows flashes of human consciousness, but in the main he exhibits the more primitive instinctive features of lizards and snakes.

“The man operates almost completely on the level of an insect,” said Dr. John Small Berries of the Genetic Research Center in Austin, Texas. “He suffers from three distinct mental disorders, and like many members of these fringe groups, he has none of the qualities we normally attribute to human beings, such as compassion and empathy. He does not possess a rudimentary ‘theory of mind’, an attribute that is present in even some of the less developed mammals such as chimps and elephants.”

Stockman’s outrageous comments and positions over his political career are too numerous to list, but here are a few high points:

He compared President Obama’s use of kids as props to Saddam Hussein’s use of human shields. He has ties to various militia groups around the U.S. He wanted to charge Janet Reno for premeditated murder for the Waco tragedy. He steadfastly refuses to make public the sources of his sizable campaign donations. He advocates giving infants firearms. He authored a press release claiming that the comet ISON was piloted by the prophet Ezekiel and appeared to warn U.S. citizens about the evils of Obamacare.

Some of his tweets:

“If babies had guns, they would not be aborted.”

“Our children are taught that they are sexual from birth, that any type of sex is a valid outlet for their emotions. They are taught that the problem with sex is not that it is wrong to engage in homosexual, bestial, underage, or premarital sex, but that it is wrong to do so without protection.”

“Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.”

Stockman’s lack of higher brain function was on full display when he gave the reasons for his challenge to Cornyn in the Senate. He repeatedly referred to Cornyn as a liberal, the equivalent of calling Michele Bachman a polymath. He also claimed that he was fighting Obamacare in a foxhole while Cornyn was bayoneting him in the back.

Political experts give Stockman about the same odds of winning as they do John Boehner moving inside the Arctic Circle. But if nothing else Texans and the rest of America will get a good display of what happens when a brain-damaged miscreant runs for a U.S. Senate seat.

We called on friend of the column Dr. Frank Black for his comments. “It’s a damn shame. In the late eighties Stockman showed some promise,” Black said. “For a short while he showed signs of higher brain function and began to show some human traits. He even embraced his roots by overcoming his self-repression and embracing a gay lifestyle. He even went so far as to open a bed and breakfast and enrolled in a ceramics class,” Black continued. “However, when the b and b went bust (it was located adjacent to a Houston oil refinery) he just devolved into the Bible-thumping paranoid schizophrenic we see today.”

There is no word yet on what Stockman plans to do after his absurd senate run is squashed. One can only hope he moves back to the Bolivian jungles to ruminate with the descendents of his creators.

Related articles

• Crazy Steve Stockman Posts Incoherent Manifesto Slamming ‘Liberal John Cornyn’ (thedailybanter.com)
• Cornyn vs. Stockman (msnbc.com)

Florida Town Bans Medical Poultry

In a move which will surely cause distress in progressive and libertarian circles, Debary, Florida, a small city in the heart of Cretonia, has banned backyard chickens. The city council voted 3-2 last week to end a pilot program that allowed citizens to keep a few birds in their backyards.

“We made a mistake,” said city council member Chris Carson. “It was a pilot program that offered a little liberty and hope to our citizens, but it was just getting out of control.” Carson voted to end the program because he felt that people were beginning to harbor dangerous ideas of self sufficiency and independence from government. It seems a few folks were actually selling surplus eggs generated by their chickens and Carson feared that the city could miss out on a few cents of tax revenue. “I don’t support a program that has a door open to take advantage for commercial purposes,’ said Carson.

Carson received his graduate degree in economics from the University of Bombardopolis in Haiti, long known as a hotbed of economic success.

Councilman John Bigboote, who voted to continue the program, thinks Big Poultry got to Carson. “It’s obvious to me that Chris was paid off by Tyson, Gold Kist, or maybe Colonel Sanders himself,” said Bigboote. “He was all for the program when we started it. Now he’s gone over to the ‘Dark Side’. It’s really sad.”

Everyone is not giving up, however. Resident Joseph Hart intends to get a lawyer and fight to keep his chickens. Hart bought his chickens on advice from his son’s physician. Hart’s son J.J. is autistic and the chickens have been a great help in his treatment. “It’s made a tremendous difference in J.J.’s life,” Hart said. “His vocabulary has gone from ‘ducks’ to that of a normal kid his age.”

However, the vocabulary of most of the elected officials in Debary is sorely limited. It seems “compassion” and “empathy” are noticeably absent.

Mayor Harry Snapper Organs, in a speech to the local chamber of commerce, said “Look, we started this program to divert the public’s attention away from the graft and corruption that we value so much down here, but things are now out of control. Allowing ‘homegrown chicken’ in Debary has become dangerous and immoral. If people need treatment for their diseases they need to go to a doctor and seek a therapy approved by the FDA. On the other hand, if they need a few extra dollars income, they can work part time in a fast food joint,” said Organs.

Police Chief Bubba Buzzkill agreed. “Everyone knows that chicken is a gateway bird. If we allow this to continue, people will move on to harder birds such as turkeys, and God forbid, emus,” said Buzzkill.”Why, I heard only last week of guy down in Miami who was harboring an ostrich in his condo.” Buzzkill continued, “Maybe the only way to stop these home chicken labs is to ban the sale of chicken feed to the public, or pass some new poultry forfeiture laws up in Tallahassee.”

We contacted Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity in Politics for his comments on the situation. “It’s the same old story. Not since the Middle Ages have we seen such a weird combination of reactionary politics and the disdain of reason as we do in contemporary Florida,” Black said. “However, there is hope,” Black continued,”according to my friends over at the World Meteorological Organization, in 200 years the whole miserable state should be underwater.”

There is no word yet on how Florida officials feel about backyard fish farming.

Related articles

• Parents fight to keep chickens for son with autism (today.com)
• J.J. And The Chickens: When Compassion Should Trump Principle (ethicsalarms.com)

Popes Gone Wild! (Holiday Edition)

Pope Francis went out of his ecclesiastical mind last week by suggesting in his Evangelii Gaudium that Christians should actually live according to the teachings of Christ. Among other things, the Pope criticized the excessive greed associated with unfettered capitalism.

The Pope has recently exhibited other forms of instability by stating that we should show compassion for the poor and accept as equals those of other faiths and lifestyles. He is also rumored to participate in questionable nocturnal activities such as ministering to homeless people in soup kitchens and on the street while dressed as a common priest.

All of this finally became too much for good Christians to bear, and veritable hail of brimstone erupted from the mouths of conservative pundits and pro capitalist ministers across America.

Rush Limbaugh (net worth 370-400 million) was first to pontificate over the Apostolic Exhortation. He essentially called the Pope a dimwit who was unable to understand classic economic theory. He also called the document “pure Marxism.” Limbaugh, borrowing a page from Glenn Beck’s book, blamed it on a conspiracy, stating “somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him.”  Next week Limbaugh plans a thorough explanation of why gluttony is not really a sin.

Next to jump on the creaky, unstable conservative bandwagon was Jonathon Moseley, a well-known Virginia defense attorney and Tea Party kook. Mr. Moseley made it clear that Jesus supports capitalism and was mortified by the Pope’s most recent antics. He informed us that “Jesus was weeping in heaven” over the Evangelii Gaudium. “Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist” he said. In the same article, Moseley stated that “the consumer is king,” which is somewhat confusing to those of us who have been taught all our lives that Christ was King.

In the past Mr. Moseley has enlightened us with Jesus’ opinions on a wide range of political topics, including but not limited to Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage, and the capital gains tax. He “has it on good authority” that Jesus founded the Northern Nazareth Chapter of the Tea Party 2000 years ago and agrees with 95% of its current political stances.  Moseley is apparently one of the very few in human history blessed with a direct conduit to the Almighty, much like Joan of Arc. However, unlike Joan who saw visions of Christ, Moseley receives his insider info on a Dick Tracy-style wrist communicator with a built-in magic decoder ring.

Thanks to Limbaugh, Moseley, and a horde of capitalistic ministries, Christians world-wide can rest easy with the tried and true “lip service on Sunday, unbridled greed and hateful rhetoric during the week” method of religious worship.

In fact, the Right Reverend Vince Snetterton Lewis, best-selling author of “Christianity for Fun and Profit” and leader of  Our Lady of  Laissez Faire Ministries in Tampa Florida, stated “Jesus, if he were alive today, probably would run a hedge fund or be the CEO of  a massive corporation. He was a strong proponent of wealth in all its forms. No way would he support all the safety nets for the poor we have in this country!” Lewis continued, “We plan on issuing our own proclamation, the ‘Dineros Maximus’ refuting all this Papal nonsense. Happily, it will be  just in time for the Christmas shopping season.”

Needless to say none of these cretins would recognize Jesus Christ if he were standing directly in front of them. One can only hope that if Jesus ever does return to earth he will fly into Sea Tac and limit his ministry to the Pacific Northwest. Otherwise he would be jailed and eventually be committed to an insane asylum.

An Obamacare Holiday Massacre

Fox News interrupted coverage of the mythical “War on Christmas” today to report the latest in a long line of Obamacare atrocities.The report, if corroborated by actual news organizations, could deal a heavy blow to the new health care system.

Starship Captain and cutting edge investigative reporter Shepherd Smith reported a huge loss of life associated with the healthcare.gov website. Hundreds of thousands if not millions of innocents lost their lives in the run up to Thanksgiving because of a software “glitch” on the site. “They had logged on seeking health insurance for their families and instead were rerouted to the dreaded ‘Death Panel’  page, where they were immediately condemned,” said Smith. “These poults never had a chance,” Smith continued, “they were rounded up, executed, and became the main course in households across the country on Thanksgiving Day.”

Smith featured an interview on his program with Sean Hannity, Fox’s ace debater and insightful intellectual. Hannity revealed an even more shocking aspect of the disaster. “My sources have informed me that some of these innocent young turkeys had knowledge of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi abomination, and were threatening to expose her,” said Hannity. “This is an insidious conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of government, and we intend to spend the next eight or nine months speculating about it on my show.”

Representative Michele Bachman, who vociferously warned her constituents about these “Death Panels”, was unavailable for comment as she was attending a Tea Party sponsored “Origin of the Species” book burning festival at the Texas Board of Education along with Senator Ted Cruz.