Iran Annexes The Sudetenland

Only minutes after the Iran nuclear deal was inked, elements of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard marched into the Sudetenland, apparently in an effort to annex the area as Iranian soil.

“President Obama promised us territorial gains if we promised not to make bombs,” said President Hassan Rouhani of Iran. “We figured we would start small and work our way up. We also have our eyes on Luxemburg, Poland, and possibly The Channel Islands.” He continued, “It’s really a win, win, win for everyone involved. The citizens of these new Iranian territories will receive free religious education and military training, we will gain valuable new real estate in Europe, and President Obama will get the American people off his back about that stupid website.”

Conservative pundits in the United States decried the agreement as being one of the worst ever made. At Fox News, the normally copious supply of blood pressure medication was consumed in minutes.

Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia stated “This agreement and the subsequent actions of the Revolutionary Guard are unconscionable. It just goes to show how far the Obama Administration will go to take the spotlight off the healthcare debacle.” He continued, “No one thinks that the Iranians will stop with the Sudetenland. They have mentioned other territory they covet for “living space” for their people. In fact, the CIA has discovered plans for an Iranian invasion of Ukraine after the winter snows abate. Furthermore, we have it on good authority that the Iranian diplomats were wearing explosive vests during the negotiations.”

At this point, Sarah Palin, who was visiting Senator Chambliss, chimed in: “If this keeps up, I’ll be able to see Iran from my home in Alaska!” Chambliss just rolled his eyes.

Secretary of State John Kerry downplayed Chambliss’ criticisms and those of conservative pundits. “This is an agreement that will guarantee ‘Peace with Honor.’ We won’t have to worry about the Iranian nuclear threat for a long while, or at least for a few weeks. Besides, who ever heard of the Sudetenland anyway?”

Reid Goes Nuclear, Rush Goes Insane

Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s tenuous grip on reality exhibited further signs of decay last week when he went on a rant comparing Senator Reid’s use of the nuclear option to the rape of women.

Limbaugh has apparently long been obsessed with rape as evidenced by his frequent use of rape analogies during political discussions. For example, in 2009 Limbaugh stated that “people in the private sector are being raped by this (Obama’s) administration.” Also, again in 2009, Limbaugh told his listeners to “get ready to be gang-raped again folks” while discussing health care reform.

These are just two examples of many ridiculous and irrational rape analogies Limbaugh has used in the past.

After his most recent abomination, pundits descended on Limbaugh like vultures on an elephant carcass. Theories as to the cause of his affliction are numerous and varied. Some believe that his rape fixation stems from a deep-seated insecurity resulting in feelings of inadequacy, while others attribute his lack of cogency to a possible minor stroke suffered sometime in the distant past.

One interesting explanation comes from Professor George Smiley of the Foundation for the Promotion of Critical Thought in Education. Mr. Smiley stated, “We see this misuse of analogy and metaphor more and more in the United States. We think the increase may be the result of the woeful state of secondary education here in America. Reason and critical thought are simply not emphasized, if taught at all.”

“This is nothing new,” Smiley continued, “we fight a constant battle with dimwits who insist on keeping self-evident truths such as the equality of women, evolution and the Big Bang out of the curriculum on religious grounds. It’s no small wonder that insensitive and irrational rape analogies are so common, particularly when the perpetrator’s livelihood depends on pleasing these groups.”

Limbaugh has by no means limited his inaccurate analogies to rape. He has in the past compared the food stamp program to the Trail of Tears, welfare to the Holocaust, and Obamacare to the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs.

One does have to wonder at the state of our educational system when such an unhinged mind can amass the listening audience and great wealth that is attributed to Limbaugh. “It’s depressing,” said Smiley, “but we keep fighting. As you may or may not know, the last thing to come out of Pandora’s box was hope, and it springs eternal.”

A Thanksgiving Turkey

Representative Trey “Radical” Radel (Hypocrite-FL) plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession Wednesday after being busted last month as part of a sting operation conducted in our nation’s capital.

Radel was arrested after purchasing 3.5 grams of cocaine from undercover agents whom he had previously invited to “Hip Hop” up to his apartment to partake in the same substance. The agents declined the generous invite but offered to sell him some blow to add to his current inventory. After the deal was struck other agents moved in and arrested the hapless congressman.

After pleading guilty Wednesday, Radel beat feet back to Florida where he checked into a rehab center, but not before holding the obligatory remorseful press conference.

Radel utilized the tried and true canned speech used by so many hypocritical politicians and televangelists the world over after their transgressions are exposed. Radel proclaimed, “Today, I checked myself into a facility to seek treatment and counseling. It is my hope, through this process I will come out a better man. I will work hard to gain back the trust and support of my constituents, friends and most importantly my family.”

Interestingly, Radel, a favorite of the Tea Party, found nothing wrong with his activities before his sinful habits were unveiled. In fact, in the past Radel stated that his favorite vacationing spot was the popular tourist destination Cartagena, Columbia. Also on his short list of “places to kick back” were Amsterdam, Bangkok, Kandahar Airfield, and the Tribal Regions in northwest Pakistan.

As mentioned earlier, Radel was a Tea Party favorite and rising star in Republican politics. He voted along party lines, pushing for a 40 billion dollar cut in food stamp assistance for the poor. He also voted for drug testing of food stamp recipients. After all, it’s only logical to starve those in need of food if they also have a drug problem like Radel does.

Perhaps there is a lesson here for the Tea Party. Radel’s drug use apparently had no effect on his ability to toe the Party line. He did not go berserk and rob his neighbors for drug money, or commit any violent crimes.  Maybe Tea Party efforts to balance the budget would be better spent dialing back the ludicrous and failed “War On Drugs”, which by some estimates costs the U.S. over $100 billion per year, rather than taking food out of the mouths of the poor.

Radel’s political future is uncertain, with some politicians coming to his defense and others preparing to eviscerate him. Radel will receive a year of loosely supervised probation after which he hopes to continue his political career. Unable for comment were the tens of thousands of citizens serving multiple-year prison sentences in Florida for the very same crime Radel committed. This is of small consequence because they will never be able to vote again anyway.

Radel of course has no intention of resigning his lucrative $175,000 per year position. He will therefore not be in need of SNAP assistance any time soon.

Florida Bill Makes Poverty A Felony

As the 2014 gubernatorial race starts to heat up, a bill is working its way through the Florida legislature that would make it a felony offense to earn less than $25,000.00 per year. The bill will also place those with minority racial status on probation.

In 2011, Florida effectively disenfranchised 1.5 million citizens with a  new restrictive voting law. The law prohibits anyone ever convicted of a felony from voting in local, state or federal elections. Commenting on the situation, Governor Rick Scott stated “We really got on the right track in 2011, and this new bill should put us over the top.” When asked what he meant, Scott replied “Well, we certainly don’t want to risk uncertainty in the election process by allowing criminals to vote, and since most crime is committed by the poor and minorities, this new law just takes the next logical step. The bill will prevent undesirables from participating in the election process.”

One of the chief sponsors of the bill, Representative Billy Bob McSneed, a Republican from Panama City, stated “All these minorities, many of them illegal, are taking our jobs and threatening our way of life down here. By placing them on probation, we can better control ’em and stop all the election fraud. Hell, it’s bad enough that we let ’em drive.”

Election fraud in Florida has reached enormous proportions in Florida over the last decade, according to the Florida Republican Central Committee. McSneed supplied us with documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been at least three dozen cases of individuals voting illegally in Florida over the last ten years.

“We live in state where 36 votes could tip the balance, McSneed said. The only logical thing to do is attack the root of the disease, not the symptoms, and the root of the disease is poor people, minorities, and poor minorities.”

When asked how many citizens of the state that this bill would disenfranchise, Governor Scott replied, “We have no idea, but the vast majority of them will be Democrats, and that’s all that matters.”

Challenges to the new bill’s constitutionality will no doubt be numerous. However, given the current glut of challenges in Florida’s courts challenging other demented laws passed by the legislature, any decision will be slow in coming and probably will occur post-election.

Reached for comment was Representative Barbara Hernandez, Democrat from Miami. She stated, “I am currently trying to decide whether to hang myself or move to a more open society. Maybe Cuba or North Korea.”

Ted Cruz Zombie Theory Discredited By Scientists

Scientists at the Center For Sanity in Politics discounted the theory that Ted Cruz is actually a zombie under the control of Tea Party coven leader Michele Bachmann. “We really believe that it is unlikely that Cruz is a zombie, despite his irrational actions and lack of higher brain function,” said Dr. Frank Black, head of research at CSP.

Speculation and rumor concerning Cruz increased last week after an event at a fundraiser in Muleshoe, Texas. Cruz was ranting about how Obamacare will end life as we know it on planet earth when, during a particularly violent gesticulation, a portion of his right index finger flew off into the crowd. Although no one in the audience noticed, the event was caught on video and quickly went viral on the Web.

Dr. Black and his team have since been analyzing the video along with other videos of speeches by the Senator. “We think that it is far more likely that Cruz is either a replicant like the others manufactured at Fox News Laboratories or possibly he is some form of genetic throwback,” Black said. “Either possibility would account for his total lack of empathy for the poor and otherwise disadvantaged citizens of this country.”

“What we find truly baffling is that this man was ever elected in the first place, but I suppose stranger things have happened,” said Black. “After all, 48% of Americans believe UFO’s are some form of alien visitation, and 41% believe we are living in the end times described in the Bible. There seems to be a bottomless well of idiocy in the United States,” Black said.

Although Cruz was unavailable for comment, an aide to the Senator stated “These rumors are ridiculous. Furthermore, the loss of Sen Cruz’ finger will in no way affect his ability to govern if elected President. He will still be able to push the nuclear button at the slightest provocation. He’ll simply use his left hand.”

Boehner Comes Out Against ENDA

Speaker of the House John Boehner recently announced that he would block the Employment Non Discrimination Act, a law that would effectively end discrimination against gays, lesbians, and trans-gendered individuals in the workplace.

“We just cannot allow this bill to move forward,” Boehner said. “ENDA would cause an avalanche of frivolous lawsuits, potentially wrecking our fragile recovery, to say nothing of the moral implications. This is not a change in our position. The Party has a time-honored tradition of standing up against equality in the workplace for women and minorities. We are just being consistent.”

Although passed in the Senate, it is probable that the bill will not even come up for a vote in the Republican controlled House. “There has been a great deal of pressure put on us by the Tea Party, the Christian Right, and other kooks,” a Boehner aide said.

Tea Party representatives have vociferously opposed the bill on moral grounds, predicting a veritable collapse of traditional family values. “We just cannot allow our children to live and work in a world where gays and lesbians are treated like other normal humans. It’s just insane,” a Tea Party spokesman said.

Boehner closed a press conference on the subject this week by stating “We can’t take this threat to our morals and profit margins lying down. We do not intend to just bend over and take this abuse. The only threat we consider to be greater is the imminent collapse of western civilization that has been precipitated by Obamacare. “